Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was disappointed and I spent most of the day feeling like I had failed. My mom and I went to get coffee, and while sitting at the tiny outdoor table I wrote this:
You know when you hit the very bottom of the pit of despair, and you see a way out, but you choose to stay?
Why? Why do we opt to remain in a place of misery, when we could just climb out the exit?
What is it about pain/grief/sadness that we can get so addicted to?
Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I?
I was absolutely miserable. I needed to prove myself, and I felt that I failed, flopped. "Prove yourself to whom?" You ask. Well... TO ME! I need to show myself that I am not a failure.
Through out the day, I would occasionally try to calm myself and see things from a better point of view, but I always stopped myself... I wanted to be miserable... I wanted to feel horribly, it was like I had become addicted to the pain... it scares me to think about how I felt.
Something I have always thought, is that no matter how painful emotions became, I would never want to give them up. But yesterday, I wanted to stop feeling. I tried to. And I somewhat succeeded. After a time I managed to shut down part of me. I suddenly was able to understand the way that so many story villains feel - or how they came to not feel.
I saw a possible future me, and she is not something that I want to happen, but in that moment, it looked tempting. I learned a lot about myself yesterday. Looking back on it is interesting and frightening.
Thankfully today - due to sleep and some words from my brother - I am in a better frame of mind, and I realize that the thing I was so upset over, actually went well. True, I may not have accomplished the goal I wanted, but I got farther than I might have.
A big part of my mind is insecurity about my talents and abilities - in my eyes, my One talent is singing - and I still feel that way mostly, but now I realize that what little I have acomplished may be more than just a little. Maybe I actually did something that is worth recognizing, something that not just anyone can do.
I don't know why exactly I'm sharing this... I guess I just needed to say how I feel. I have a hard time telling people things face to face, but adding the wall of internet somehow helps.
So whatever problems you have, try to stay positive, because you don't want to get stuck in the pit of despair.
The title quote is from Tomorrowland.
Seeing ourselves in a realistic light is difficult. We are so apt to be either too tough or too easy on ourselves. But doing our best is all we can expect of ourselves, really! Sometimes I get discouraged by what I have failed to do...but you're absolutely right, realizing what one has accomplished is heartening, and keeps one moving forward to better and better things.
ReplyDeleteI love your conclusion. "Whatever problems you have, try to stay positive, because you don't want to get stuck in the pit of despair." I really wish I could hug you physically right now, but here's an internet *hug*.
(And if you do ever want to talk about what you're feeling face to face, I'd love to be there for you.)
Thanks Kelsey. *hug* I might take you up on that one day.
DeleteOh, I so so so connect with this. *big hugs* So much of the time I have a sort of depression clinging to me about my failures and lack of accomplishment, ESPECIALLY when I have big goals that I fail to accomplish. But you are so right, and I want to say thanks for this post, and to say that you're one of the most amazing people I know and I hope you will be able to climb out of that pit and recognize how amazing you are. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, I tagged you on my blog. https://deborahocarroll.wordpress.com/2015/12/10/christmas-y-tag/ No pressure to do it or anything, just thought I'd let you know. :)