My Biggest Lie

I try to be an honest and truthful person. I really do. But there is one lie that always slips through.

"I'm doing well!"

"Things are great!"

"Life is good right now!"

"Better than ever!"

"I'm feeling good today!"

This is probably the deadliest lie I've told, but still it says it's self before I even think, it rearranges it's letters to seamlessly fit each conversation, and I never take it back... I just let the lie ride, because I'm more comfortable doing that than saying "No, actually, I'm not fine, it's just that I'd conditioned myself to say so whenever I was asked, so that no one would ever find out how bad things really were,"

Why is this lie so harmful?

Because it's telling yourself that how you're feeling doesn't really matter, that no one cares anyway, that it's not valid. It's a lie that tears you down, and keeps you locked inside yourself.

I'm an introverted person with a huge, vivid, and rampant, imagination, so I spend a lot of time in my head. And it's fun, it's what I had as a child in order to get through life, but sometimes now it is a nightmare that I can't escape, because of how I view myself, those views bleed through into my imaginary life because I hold all my pain and trouble inside and rarely let it see the light of other people's sight.

I have a terrible urge to shout my past and present hurts from the flat roof of the place that is practically my home, from the sloping roof of the place I live, from the top of the suspension bridge, from the highest rung of the ladder on the water-tower.

And yet. 

I still hide it. 

I still show everyone my happy side

And rarely reveal the darkness

Because that's what I've always done. Smile and wave, but never falter.

I really relate to Elsa from Disney's Frozen. She had a secret which she hid her whole life "Conceal, don't feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know," but once her secret was out she felt free. 'Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone," But then she again was afraid of herself, "Just stay away and you'll be safe from me," afraid that she would hurt people and get hurt again, she is now her own worst enemy "No escape from the storm inside of me," And I really connect to that.

And so there is this battle within myself, of hiding and declaring the truth. And for the moment, look which has won.

My Little Sister

Sometimes in life you discover something that takes a special place in your heart. I have found a great many things, but that doesn't make any of them less precious. Today I am talking about: hugging my little sister.

She and I were in Sweeney Todd together!

My little sister is very capable of being annoying - as younger siblings are - but so is most of the human race, so I don't really fault her for that. And on the other hand, she is generous, loving, gentle, and intelligent. She will greet you with big hugs, share her chocolates, miss you when you're gone, form her own opinions, pray for everyone to sleep well, and do her share of the housework. She is probably the most mature seven-year-old I know.

She loves animals, anime, games, and villains. And her family, especially our mom.

I don't have a lot of free time, and when I do I usually spend it alone in my room. So I have kinda missed seeing my little baby sister - and other siblings - growing up this year.

And the last couple days I got to cuddle with her, and it was wonderful. We sat side-by-side, she played her games and listened to her music, and I browsed pinterest and wrote a blog post. We didn't talk much, but it was still great bonding time.

Today she was 'teaching' me and one of our brothers, 'how to create a dance move'

I love her, and while I'd love for her to stay a little girl, I can't wait to see who she'll become.

An Inner Darkness

My brain has this function where I can see both sides of an argument/thought/idea/ and see the outcomes, for the most part. And while normally I think this would be a good thing, it also effects me when I'm depressed and trying to tell myself things to make me feel better. The problem is that I can have full hypothetical scenarios play out in my head, and while I can see both good and bad, the thing with depression is that the bad usually wins. Today for example: I was relaxing, everything was great, but then I got into a what-if. I was scrolling Pinterest and came across a post about how others are effected by the self-harm and suicide of their loved ones. The purpose of the post was to help us that are in the struggle, by giving us another reason to not self-harm, and to live. But for me, it didn't do that. Instead it spawned a hypothetical scene, where I attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge and was rescued and hospitalized; after messaging a friend to let them know that was I planning it. The me in that made-up situation decided it would be better for them to know - and have them spread the word - instead of me just going missing. While the hospital scenes played out, with people asking why, and trying to convince me to live, saying how much it would hurt everyone, how much I mean, that people need me, I fought back by saying that I don't mean that much, that everyone will be able to move on just fine, that everything would be better off without me, that they'll find someone else that's better than me.

Last week or so, I found an empty box in my room, I grabbed a pencil and wrote on the lid "A Box of Reasons." I then got some paper, and wrote down reasons to live. Most of them are the names of my friends. Some are shows that I'm watching. Some are sweet things that my friends have said. Some are goals of mine. And things I love. My plan was that anytime I am depressed, I can pull out some of those strips of paper and find the courage, find a reason to keep going. But my plan has a flaw. Because while it did give me joy and encouragement, it also gave me thoughts like: "they're wrong about you" "they'd be better off without you" "you won't amount to anything" "you're not good enough for that" "you don't work hard enough for you to actually love doing that" "you're wrong about that" "you can't even make it through a day, how are you going to have a life?"

I am my own worst saboteur. No one hurts me more than me. One reason I don't like being alone is that if I give my brain an inch it will destroy me.

I'm not writing this asking for sympathy. I'm asking for you to understand. Life isn't easy, even when you don't have a mental illness, and life with one can feel downright impossible. So please don't look down on us, or think we are just like you, don't call us liars, don't think that we are just begging for attention.

For some of us, that attention is all that's keeping us away from the edge. Don't assume that because someone smiles a lot and works hard and laughs loud, that they are fine.

Most people think that I am a laid back, happy-go-lucky, without a care in the world, sunshine rainbows and unicorns, kind of girl. But I'm not. This week I choreographed part of a modern dance piece, and showed it to my dance teacher and classmates. I turned off most of the lights, and had no music. It was a dark piece, inspired by the trauma and hardships I've gone through, and how it has left me terrified that it will all repeat again. In the piece I fell a lot (my knees still hurt), and my hair was down and in my face, and I punched the floor and flailed around, my glasses fell off, I ran around, and silently sobbed, and shook, and just when I seemed to be able to stand, I dropped to my knees again, put my head in my hands on the floor, and screamed. I think I made everyone uncomfortable. Because I showed them my inner darkness, when all they had known was a happy girl with a passion for theatre. After I performed that little piece of a dance, I was shaking, my anxiety habit of playing with my hands kicked in, I felt out of breath, and my voice trembled. I forced them all to see a dark and hurting person who was left screaming on the floor. And I forced myself to show it to them. And I felt relieved. After all, it's exhausting to wear a mask 24/7, of a persona so very different from how you truly feel.

Does this mean I'm never happy? No. I often feel happiness, especially when I'm with my friends, or performing in a show. Does this mean that I want to be coddled and have everyone constantly praising me? Hell No. I don't want special treatment, or for people to be extra gentle around me. In fact I want you to be brutally yourself, and speak to and around me with perfect candor. I just want you to be aware of my truth.

I have Depression. I have Anxiety. I have PTSD. They don't own me - though they sometimes take over. But they are a part of me, and now you know.

...Something... and an announcement...

Hey y'all!
I have done a lot more resting lately, which means my occasionally great eloquence is starting to return to me; SO maybe I will start writing magnificent posts on deep and quizzical topics! But until that happens, you'll just have to be satisfied by this kind of post.

What have I been up too?

I have recently been listening - almost exclusively - to the band Twenty One Pilots. I love all of their songs but some of my favorites are 'Car Radio' 'Heathens' 'Stressed Out' 'Ode To Sleep' and 'Migrane'. The songs are brilliant and I connect to them so completely - which doesn't happen often.

I have also recently watched three Bollywood movies: 'Student Of The Year' 'Dostana' and 'Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania'. I loved all of them.

School has begun again, and that is keeping me busy.
So are the two shows I'm in right now, the "Footloose" shadowcast, and "Sweeney Todd: the demon Barber of Fleet Street"! I'm in the ensemble for both, and it's a lot of work.

Also! I have an announcement to make! I have started up another blog! The Adventures of Luna Aquafall! It is blog for a fictional persona of mine named (you guessed it!) Luna Aquafall. She is a soon-to-be time-and-space traveler/explorer. And the blog is her way of documenting the adventures. So go check it out!

I love ya tomorrow...

Annie. The story of a little red-headed orphan that stole the hearts of Oliver Warbucks, Grace Farrell, and many others. A fun and heartwarming story. And I'm glad to say that I've been a player in the WCT production of Annie Jr.
It has been a journey and I've loved every step of it - even with the large amounts of stress I was under when we started, because I was also in two other shows. Now this chapter is closing... tonight's performance will be the last on the WCT stage. We will be taking one performance to Temple on the 20th, but largely, this is it. I have gotten to work alongside people that mean a lot to me, in a place that means a lot to me, doing something that means a lot to me. And really... I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Emotionally, I frequently struggle with stuff, but the thought of going to the theatre and doing a performance with my people, gets me through a lot of the rough terrain. I don't know what I'll do without it.

I'll miss everything about it.

• The quick changes 
• The backstage dancing 
• The feeling at the start of a performance
• And the feeling at the end
• The jokes exchanged
• The reactions of a good audience
• The excitement in my friends eyes 
• The whole cast
• Trying to remember good posture 
• Moments where you nearly break character but you prevail 
• Telling one another to 'break a leg'
• The costumes 
• Moments when you feel really good about how you gave a certain line
• The set 
• The crew and techies
• The production team
• Greeting the crowd
• The moments when the cast gets to know each other better
• The times when everyone can just goof off
• The occasional pre-show dance party
• Even the fact that this show's trend is: half the boys trying to flip water bottles and land them right side up
• Cheering during curtain call
• Acknowledging the techies
• Little girls asking for pictures
• The times of perfection
• Knowing that everyone beside you, gave their all to the show, just like you.

I love this show. 

So Many Things

My apologies for the sudden hiatus. So many things have happened since my last post (which was over a month ago... ... ...).

In the Theatre Realm:

The Moulin Rouge shadow-cast is long over - it was a ton of fun; our production of Beauty and the Beast opened and in it's due course closed (the run ended on Sunday; and was also a lot of fun); and Annie Jr.'s first performance is today! And on Monday I also auditioned for the next shadow-cast production, which will be Footloose, and was cast.

It has been exhausting and exhilarating, but I managed to survive, and I'm going to keep on doing it. I plan on doing slightly less theatre for the next year, but we'll see how long that resolve lasts.

In the Writing Realm:
I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo, and for the first time succeeded in reaching my word count! With my story "The Silver Platter Of Reading" which takes place in a parallel universe where magic abides and the most magical things are stories, making libraries the most magical places. Five teens: Nyle, Birch, Peri, Amara, and Quincy, form the book club dubbed the Silver Platter Of Reading Club. But they do much more than just read and discuss; as proficient magic users, and top-notch brains, they help clients solve their magical problems, and go on quests for those who can't or won't do it for themselves.

It felt wonderful it accomplish the word goal, even though the story is far from finished. And I'm very pleased with the work I got done. Tell me in the comments what comes to mind when you hear those five names!


I'll try not to go a month before my next post!


~ The "Smithy," Kayla Rose

Goodbye to Bonavista

"So goodbye to Bonavista, your mountains and your shores, goodbye to sad relations that I'll never see no more, for i'm bound to seek my fortune and sail the whole world wide, and if ever we shall meet again it'll be on the other side, on the other side.."

That is the chorus of a delightful ballad called Goodbye to Bonavista.

I love ballads. And sea shanties too. The love of adventure is laced into the words. And the music makes me want to dance. And it makes me long for adventure, to hop onto a ship and sail the world to seek my fortune, to find new lands; or to saddle my horse and ride the praries; or to fight a fight worth fighting. With these songs I can "Rise And Follow Charile" or find "St Brendan's Fair Isle" or march beside "The Minstrel Boy" or give "A Hundred Thousand Welcomes" for the visitors of Nova Scotia, or see "The Sultana" sail again.

I feel peaceful when listening to them. And yet I also want to jump up and shout and holler for adventure, say farewell to my loved ones to go off into the great unknown.

"Why, how now, Dromio! Where runn'st thou so fast?"

Hey Everyone.

I really need to get better at regular posting...

SO! How have you been?

I have been very busy. Hence the silence on my blog. So what has been happening? I had finals - I got an A in both classes! And Sister Act opened - we have only four performances left! I've already started on another production - Comedy Of Errors - though this one is not with WCT.

And I had homeschool prom yesterday - which was delightful.

Oh, and I somehow my Sacroiliac joint out of whack - which was very painful.

For those of you who don't know - I didn't - it is a joint in the lowback/hip area. In the words of Wikipedia: one of the SI joints' function is shock absorption (depending on the amount of available motion at the sacroiliac joint) for the spine, along with the job of torque conversion allowing the transverse rotations that take place in the lower extremity to be transmitted up the spine.

And because of that injury I was forced to "take it easy" during last weekend's performances. Which, for me, is really hard. I don't like holding still, or not pulling my own weight, so having other people do what I was originally told to do was mentally painful for me. However my cast-mates were all being caring and lovely, and making me take care not to make my injury worse. And I'm really grateful for them doing so, but still, there were many moments that I wished that they cared less, because I was going crazy. So I wrote the following piece in response to the situation.

__

A curse upon this injury!

I in future shall take better care of myself

If only to avoid this tender care from my companions

In truth, at the first, I basked in the affections that were shown me

And reveled in the laziness I was allowed

But as the days went on, the resting was no longer a joy

And indeed itself became like unto working.

__

So yeah. That's what has been happening with me.



The title quote is a random line from Shakespeare's The Comedy Of Errors.

"Can't you see me on the stage performin' Mozart?"

Hi everyone,
What have I been doing lately that would be keeping me so busy that I forget to write a post? Well, the answer is: I am in a show - Sister Act - and we open on the 6th, and I'm working on finals for my first semester of college. As well as trying to make sure I eat and sleep and keep my off-brand semi-sanity.

For school I have a dance final, where I have to choreograph a minute of a song then perform it, as well as learn, then put to music and perform, a piece that our professor choreographed.
I also have the Stagecraft final: where I'll have to name various tools, and lumber and such and prove that I know how to use them.

Then there is the musical. We have a lot of choreography, music, lines, and blocking to learn, and we had two weeks less than musicals usually have for rehearsals.

I'm trying not to complain - after all, it was my decision to do all of this - but sometimes I just really need to get things said, otherwise the pressure and stress will cause me to explode further down the road.

My social-anxiety came back from his short vacation a few days ago, and worry-for-the-future came with him, so that's another fun thing to deal with...

I am so worn out... I can barely keep my eyes open for most of the day. I can no longer pretend that I'm fine... I can't hide the weariness any more...




My birthday just passed and it was a very interesting day... not so much in what happened (it was mostly just like any other day), but what it did for me. I woke up, went to class - I had Stagecraft that day - I honestly didn't expect anyone to remember, but my classmates said happy birthday. Which lightened my spirits. Then I went home, rested, then got ready for rehearsal. When I got there, a few people were already there, they said happy birthday, but other than that everything was business as usual. Then more people got there, and they all said happy birthday, and gave me hugs. People brought cake and brownies. Then, when everyone was there, we started warm-ups, and they all sang happy birthday. So it was all very normal, and routine, but still... it made me so happy, to see everyone's smiles, to hear their cheers, and feel their hugs. I felt loved. And I was overwhelmed by that. I was genuinely happy, which actually doesn't happen all that much (especially not since I was taken by exhaustion). I was with people that I loved, and I could feel their love for me, and that was all that mattered.



And I'm going to leave you there, because I need to write a paper on the concept and design elements of my choreography for tomorrow...


I used a Tangled quote for the title, because, Tangled is awesome, and happy, and always a good choice!

The End Of A Beginning. Once Upon A Mattress.

Last night was the closing night of my first college show, and I'm sad now, so you are going to get a post about the beauty and heartbreak of theatre.

Once Upon A Mattress. A comedic, musical, retelling of "the princess and the pea." My first college musical. I went through a lot - emotionally - during the rehearsals and the run of the show, and my heart is kinda full. This show was the start of something new for me, and now that it's over I don't really know what to do...

Being in theatre means that, for a few weeks, you pour everything into the show: your heart, your soul, your time, your energy, your life. When it's all said and done, you will literally have put blood, sweat, and tears into the production. And then, after the performances - however many you have - you tear it all down, and it's gone forever, except for the place that it will always hold in your heart. The moment you are cast, you become a part of a family. A crazy, annoying, loving, hard-core, wonderful, amazing, family. And saying goodbye isn't easy. There is nothing else like theatre. The fleeting nature, but lasting impact, holds beauty like none other.

I got stressed and aggravated many times, but I also was encouraged, inspired, and entertained, and those many little happy moments are what I will choose to remember in the coming years. 

I feel like I have grown as an actress and a human, and I am grateful.

I am also very very very grateful for the people that I had the pleasure and honor to work with. I gave and received friendships, and I feel like I'm now a part of the group. 

I could probably talk for hours about how wonderful and painful it all is, but I don't want to start crying.

THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO WAS IN THIS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL AND I LOVE & APPRECIATE YOU ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LOVED AND INCLUDED!!!!!!!!

"There is magic in the theatre, the theatre is magic, and blessed are those that make that magic."

Here's to you, and here's to me!

20 Books I Want To Read In 2016

One of my goals for this year is to read more than I did last year. That includes reading some for the first time, reading some that I started but never finished, and re-reading books that I loved or can't remember or didn't really understand.

So here is my list of 20 books I want to read in 2016.

Read for the first time: 

1-4 The Giver quartet: The Giver, Gathering Blue, Messenger, Son.

5 - Dracula

6 - The Scarlet Pimpernel

7 - The Comedy of Errors

8 - The Great Gatsby

9 - Alice in Wonderland

10 - Through the Looking Glass

11 - Allegiant 

12 - The Kane Chronicles: The Serpent's Shadow (book 3)

Continue where I left off:

13 - Les Miserables
14 - The Kane Chronicles: The Throne of Fire (book 2),
15 - The Book Thief

Re-read:

16 - Hans Christian Anderson collection

17 - The Brothers Grimm collection

18 - The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and other stories

19 - Cyrano de Bergerac

20 - Animal Farm


Which of these have you read? Which are your favorites? Are some of them on your 2016 list?
Let me know in the comments! 

New Year's Resolutions

January 1st. The time of year when we suddenly decide that we are going to try harder and get more done, thus setting for ourselves tasks and goals that we will mostly likely not accomplish.
We fail time and time again, and yet we still do it. This persistence is quite endearing, but rather perplexing... Why do we continue to do something when we hardly ever seem to succeed?
But enough with these questions!

I will now join the masses in setting and announcing my goals/resolutions for this year of 2016!

1. Broaden my vocal range, both in notes and style

2. Finish the first draft of a novel that I have already begun

3. Participate in and win Camp NaNo

4. Participate in and win NaNoWriMo

5. Learn more dance - of various styles

6. Make a music video

7. Spend more time with my BEST FRIEND

8. Read more.

9. Take school more seriously

10. Audition for as much as possible

11. Do some form of exercise apart from dancing (I don't really expect that one to happen)

12. Have a healthier perception of myself and my abilities

13. Actually fulfill at least three of these...

*Edit: 14. Blog more regularly*

I think that looks pretty good - and unattainable - but I guess it will be nice to have a challenge.

Good luck to you all!

~ Smithy Rose.

A New Year's Poem

Hi everyone!!!

In honor of the New Year I have written a poem!
Please feel free to tell me what you think.

Here's To The Past Year, And Here's To The New One

Another year is ending

A new one will begin

Bid farewell to the past

And let the future ring in

Another chapter is over

In the book we call life

Let’s pray the fresh pages

Fill with joy and not strife

I hope this new year

Is one where we’ll learn

And our lives be enriched

And for wisdom we yearn

I wish that this next year

May see me complete

The goals that I’ve made

And for years meant to meet

Let us not waste the year

Choosing to do nothing

For even when we cannot move

We can still accomplish something

Lord bless the new year

And the paths that we tread

For it is by Your grace

That we rise from our beds.

A happy new year

I wish to all of my friends

May we start the best one yet

As the previous one ends

Here’s to the past year

And all that it gave

For the fun that I had

And the friends that I’ve made

And here’s to the next one

Uncertain, untold

I look forward to learning

What it is that you hold 

Happy New Year Everyone!!!
~ Smithy Rose/Kayla

Christmas Eve thoughts and a Christmasy Tag

Merry Christmas Eve Everyone!!! 

Warning: this is a long post... sorry.

I really wanted to be profound this Christmas, but the truth is, I'm not profound, so it's not likely you'll ever hear any great beads of wisdom come from my brain. Even so, I'm going to talk and hope that something good comes out.

This Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas where I live - It was 75 and sunny yesterday - so I'm finding it hard to get into the spirit of it all. Lately I've seen everyday the same, I've lost track of holidays, and special occasions, and I wish that I wouldn't. 

I'm growing older in a way that I don't want to. I used to be blithe and youthful in my soul, but now I'm slowed and wrinkly.

Christmas is the time of giving and receiving, but I want to instead (at the risk of saying the same thing I've said before) say how thankful I am for what I already have. I have a roof over my head, I have a comfy bed, I have food to eat, I have clothes to keep warm, I have belongings, but most of all, I am grateful for the good people in my life. A mother that strives to take care of us, siblings that have made me smile (though they've also made me groan), and friends that have helped me more than they realize. Without you all, my life wouldn't be right.

Don't waste your life. Tell someone what they mean to you. Make every year a great year. Have a Christmas Pajama Party! Make sure not to give your kids the spiked eggnog. Kiss someone under the mistletoe. Slow dance in the snow. Tell ghost stories by the light of the Christmas tree. Spend the morning tucked under your favorite blanket. Make hot chocolate. Bake cookies. Be goofy. BE HAPPY. Life is too short to waste time, so make the most of EVERY moment.

To me the perfect Christmas day would be one where I spend the day with my closest friends, singing and laughing, where you can feel the love and be genuinely happy. Outside the snow would be falling and friends would be calling "yoo-hoo!" 

This song pretty much sums everything up perfectly.

In other news: I was tagged by Deborah O'Carroll at Road Of A Writer, to do this Christmas tag! Which I kinda forgot about... 

The Rules:

• Post the picture on your blog. (Nobody knows what picture this was.)
• Answer the questions.
• Tag up to 12 bloggers.
• Make up 10 questions for the other bloggers. (This one seems to be pretty optional.)

The Questions:

1. What is your favourite Christmas treat?

Peppermint Bark? Maybe... I don't know... I love all kinds of treats.

2. Are there any special traditions that your family has to celebrate Christmas?

No... not really... Sometimes we'll have German food.

3. How do you normally celebrate Christmas?

Get up whenever, open presents together, eat, use (or whatever) the gifts we got, maybe go somewhere to celebrate with others.

4. Do you enjoy getting presents for your friends and family? Do you buy your gifts or go the homemade route?

I'm not good at giving gifts... but it is enjoyable. I usually would buy the gifts, because I'm not talented enough to make them.

5. Is it cold where you live? Have you ever had a white Christmas?

No it is not. I think we had one once... ten years ago...? When we moved here, and maybe one or two since then.

6. What’s on your Christmas list this year?

Not much of anything. I love books and music, so, books and music.

7. What’s your favourite Christmas song?

I can't pick a favorite because I love so many, but right now I am listening - on repeat - to Relient K's Merry Christmas, Here's To Many More. Which I put above.  

8. What is your favourite Christmas memory?

I don't really have one.

9. W hat does your Christmas Tree look like?

Blue lights, strings of silver beads, pink "icicles" (which is simply stringy shiny stuff), with baubles of white, sliver, and red, snowmen and angel ornaments, blue bells, and a golden angel topper.

10. What are you reading in December? (Anything festive?)

Mostly just some Manga, but also the second book in Rick Riordan's "The Kane Chronicles". Nothing festive.

11. Are you an organised little elf or are you still shopping/preparing on Christmas Eve?

I am not organized, but I'm also not much involved with the shopping.

12. How early do you start to get into the Christmas spirit?

Usually it would be sometime in July, but this year I still haven't gotten into the spirit of it.

13. Do you make any Christmas crafts? Decorations? Send physical Christmas cards?

Sometimes... Sometimes... Sometimes...

14. What’s the menu for Christmas Day?!

I don't know!  

15. What makes it FEEL like Christmas for you? (Weather, specific tradition, food, smell, person, etc.?)

It's a combination of things but the weather is a big factor.

16. Do you have relatives coming? Excited? Nervous?

No.

17. What famous Christmas character do you most identify with? (Scrooge, Elf, Tiny Tim, the Grinch, Santa, etc.)

I don't know, there aren't many characters period that I can really identify with.

18. If you were to start a new Christmas tradition, what would it be?

I can't think of anything new... dancing! I would make Christmas Dances a tradition. 

19. What Christmas movies do you like to watch this time of year or what’s your favorite?

"Home Alone" and "Home Alone: Lost In New York" are the ones we usually watch.

20. What’s your favorite Christmasy book or book with a favorite Christmasy part?

I haven't read many Christmasy stories, so I guess I have to say A Christmas Carol.

Tag Time:

I don't know 12 bloggers so I'm just gonna say, that anyone who wants to, can consider themselves tagged. And It's almost 3:00 AM so I'm too tired to write new questions.

"Let's imagine... if you glimpsed the future, you were frightened by what you saw, what would you do with that information?"

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was disappointed and I spent most of the day feeling like I had failed. My mom and I went to get coffee, and while sitting at the tiny outdoor table I wrote this:

You know when you hit the very bottom of the pit of despair, and you see a way out, but you choose to stay? 
Why? Why do we opt to remain in a place of misery, when we could just climb out the exit?
What is it about pain/grief/sadness that we can get so addicted to?

Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? 

I was absolutely miserable. I needed to prove myself, and I felt that I failed, flopped. "Prove yourself to whom?" You ask. Well... TO ME! I need to show myself that I am not a failure.

Through out the day, I would occasionally try to calm myself and see things from a better point of view, but I always stopped myself... I wanted to be miserable... I wanted to feel horribly, it was like I had become addicted to the pain... it scares me to think about how I felt.

Something I have always thought, is that no matter how painful emotions became, I would never want to give them up. But yesterday, I wanted to stop feeling. I tried to. And I somewhat succeeded. After a time I managed to shut down part of me. I suddenly was able to understand the way that so many story villains feel - or how they came to not feel.

I saw a possible future me, and she is not something that I want to happen, but in that moment, it looked tempting. I learned a lot about myself yesterday. Looking back on it is interesting and frightening.

Thankfully today - due to sleep and some words from my brother - I am in a better frame of mind, and I realize that the thing I was so upset over, actually went well. True, I may not have accomplished the goal I wanted, but I got farther than I might have.

A big part of my mind is insecurity about my talents and abilities - in my eyes, my One talent is singing - and I still feel that way mostly, but now I realize that what little I have acomplished may be more than just a little. Maybe I actually did something that is worth recognizing, something that not just anyone can do.

I don't know why exactly I'm sharing this... I guess I just needed to say how I feel. I have a hard time telling people things face to face, but adding the wall of internet somehow helps.

So whatever problems you have, try to stay positive, because you don't want to get stuck in the pit of despair.


The title quote is from Tomorrowland.

Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

Today is a day of giving thanks for all the good things we have recieved. I know you probably don't want to read a list of things I'm thankful for, and really, it's far too long a list to put anywhere; so I'm just going to metion a few things.

I'm thankful for:
All of my amazing friends! I can't say enough how grateful I am for them.
The Theatre that I love - it gave me hope and a new life.
All the midnight conversations I've had with people I love.
Being away from the one that hurt my family.

Now on to the fun part of this post!

On this Thanksgiving I decided to do something completely silly and imagine my character's as little kids putting on a Thanksgiving pageant.
Here is the result of that:


Cast of characters: John, Naya, Anthony, Sue, Gigi, O'Brian (Agents and Assassins), Dallas, Nora, Lucas (The Animalia Project), Cinderella, Rapunzel, Ariel, Snow White, Belle, Aurora, Flint, and Valor (Alternatives).

THANKSGIVING PAGEANT

The kids, six boys and eleven girls, were gathered in a backyard and were attempting to practice a Thanksgiving play that Nora had written.

Nora tried to bring some order to the group, but the challenge of directing sixteen other kids in a play was a nightmare.

"Alright everyone listen up!" Nora shouted, "I'm only gonna remind you one more time!" She held up a clipboard with a scrawled list of who was supposed to play who.

"John, you are William Bradford. Naya you are Captain Miles Standish."

"Why does she get to play him?" Flint complained

Naya explained "Becuase I'm the best for the part obviously,"

Nora continued with the list, "Anthony, you are John Carver. Ariel you play his wife, ."

"Why her?" Flint asked

"Because they both have red hair," Nora replied, "Oh, and Rapunzel, you are Rose Standish. O'Brian is Chief Massasoit, and Flint is Squanto."

"Yes!" Flint shouted jumping up and down.

Naya rolled her eyes, "Dude, you already knew what part you got, we've been practicing all day."

Nora ignored the interruptions, "Belle is Dorothy Bradford. Gigi, Dallas, Lucas and Aurora are Indians. Snow White, Valor, Cinderella, and Sue are Pilgrims. Now! Places everyone, let's practice one more time."

The 'pilgrims' got on stage and climbed into a very large cardboard box that was meant to resemble the Mayflower.

John had the first line but had to be nudged several times by Naya before he remembered it, "Here we go, to a new land."

"Yes." Naya said in a deep voice, "We have left England behind us so that we can build a town in America."

Nora was blissfully unaware of the errors in her script.

Belle gave her line next, "I'm sure our lives will be wonderful there."

Anthony said hesitantly, watching Nora to see if he was doing it right, "Let's pray for a safe journey?"

Everyone on the 'boat' bowed their heads for about two seconds - except Naya who thought that her character wouldn't pray.

Then they moved the 'ship' around the 'stage' and Rapunzel called out, "We're here!"

They climbed out of the box and looked around. Flint jumped out at them and yelled "boo!"

Nora called, "Flint! No scaring!"

"Fine..." Flint grumbled. He approched the pilgrims and said, "Hello! I can speak english! I will help you!"

"I don't trust you." Naya/Captain Standish said.

"But I can bring you fish!" Flint/Squanto said whipping one out of his pocket.

Nora nodded to the 'pilgrims' and they all called out. "We feel sick!" they fell to the ground and shivered. While the 'Indians' made the sound of a harsh winter.

Ariel/Kathrine Carver said, "This winter is so cold!"

Then the howling stopped and the 'pilgrims' - except Valor - stood up.

"Snow White!" Nora yelled "You're supposed to be dead, like Valor."

"Oh," Snow White said, quickly dropping back to the ground.

Anthony clutched his heart, "Ugh! I'm dying!" he fell down.

"Oh no!" Ariel/Kathrine cried then died too.

Then the 'Indians' came on with pretend food. "Here you go!" Flint/Squanto said. The 'Indians' left again. The 'pilgrims' mimed working hard, then John announced, "Our food is growing so well, let's celebrate Thanksgiving Day!"

"Yay," they all cheered.

The 'Indians' came back and O'Brian/Massasoit was introduced.

Then after pretenting to eat a lot, everyone stood up, came forward and took a bow.

"Good job everyone! Let's do it one more time!" Nora said.

The cast groaned and all of them pretended to die.


THE END

We Don't Have Long... Tomorrow Could Be One Day Too Late.

Listen up people. This is something that has been on my mind a lot. And now is the time to say it out loud.

You need to get out there and do something with your life.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY: You need to tell the ones you love that they mean so much to you, because Death Is Just Around The Corner, and tomorrow could be One Day Too Late.

Never leave for tomorrow, that which can be done today. (the quote goes something like that) And that includes telling someone I Love You.

Death. It's coming, and no one knows when they're time to go will arrive. It terrifies me to think that at any moment I could lose someone dear to me. 

I know I've talked about this before, but I can't stop saying what's on my heart. I think about death a lot - I "joke" about how I want my funeral, but it's not a joke.

Last night I dreamt that I lost two people I care about - and even though I'm now awake, I still feel the pain of loss.

The words in the title of this post, are song lyrics, from a song by Skillet, called: One Day Too Late. And I think everyone needs to hear it. So here:

And, like I've said before, I have a very difficult time telling people that I love them, but from now on I'm gonna try harder. I don't want to let tomorrow become one day too late.

Please don't miss your chance.

Doctor Who and Heartbreak.

Warning! I was very emotional when writing this post.

I love Doctor Who. I do. I love it. And I have for several months now.
But right now I'm suffering because of that love, and I am left to wonder why anyone would ever open their heart so much.
This show has made me laugh, made me overflow with joy. But it has also made me worry, and cry, and mourn. It has torn my heart to pieces - I imagine it's very much like being put through a paper shredder.
So, why? Why did I allow something so far into my heart?
I think that I must have underestimated the power of the show and the strength of the attachment that would form.
Is the pain worth it? Does the good outweigh the hurt? I don't know. I'm still trying to decide.
This show makes you fall in love with people, people you know you will one day lose. And then, just as promised, it tears them away leaving an enormous hole in your heart. I have just lost someone very very dear to me (Ten) and I don't know how I'll manage.
But still in the midst of the raging heartbreak... I still love the show.
Why?

So? Do you watch Doctor Who? Is it worth it?

...Waiting... Dreams... Ambition...

Here I sit, at my favorite coffee place, staring at my screen until I see double... with nothing to say... seriously, I have nothing to say, but I want to shower the world in words of wisdom and wit. So here I am... waiting for some bolt of inspiration.

Waiting...

Waiting...

...Life is too short to spend it all waiting...

...and yet...

...I'm still here... waiting...

I've been waiting for things all my life: freedom, happiness... luck... talent...

But how can I recive something I'm not working towards?

I finally have my freedom (mostly), but what about my dreams?

I never had ambition until recently - sure, I had dreams, but no hope of them ever becoming a reality; I simply accepted that they were dreams and didn't fight for them. Though really, I couldn't have done anything about it before now anyway, so maybe it's good that I didn't have ambition until now - but anyway... a little while back I tried something big, nothing came of it, except: I found ambition, I realized that I could do something that I loved and maybe even do well. So I decided to do more than just dreams of reaching for the stars, I decided to start building my rocketship.

Really, I don't why I'm saying this right now. I don't even know if I have already said this.

Right now, I just want to encourage you to work towards your dreams. How can you build real castles on clouds unless you get into the sky? 

What about you??? What are you stretching for? What does your cloud castle look like? Decide how you want to get to the sky, and start construction on your space-ship, or ladder, or trampoline, or jet-pack fueled by cuteness; do what you love and do it well.

Tell me your thoughts in the comments! I'd love to hear from you!

~ Smithy Rose

Reading and Saying Goodbye

I love to read. But I don't like finishing a book or series, because it hurts, and it's like saying goodbye.

I just finished reading the Manga "Ouran High School Host Club". I fell in love with the characters and I've watched them go through so much. And now, I'm saying farewell to a part of them, and a part of me. I love them SO MUCH.
My only consolation is that they might visit me in my head and heart.


I've never "liked" saying goodbye . But I always want to. Because one day, I'm going to see someone for the last time. And I don't want to let them go without a final parting - even though I won't know when it is.
Other people may go the other way and choose not to say goodbye, but I can't do that.

I struggle with telling people how much they mean to me; for me, saying goodbye - to my friends - giving and receiving a hug or just a smile... it's kind of a way of saying, "I don't want to lose you,"
I was very young when I realized the frailty of life. And when I did, it hurt... I think it changed me... I got scared... because one thing I do know, is that I love hard, which means that I can't bear the thought of living without my friends.
I actually wanted to die young so that I wouldn't have to go through the pain of someone going before me. I might still desire it.

So anyway... these are my thoughts... and I'm actually crying right now...