My Biggest Lie

I try to be an honest and truthful person. I really do. But there is one lie that always slips through.

"I'm doing well!"

"Things are great!"

"Life is good right now!"

"Better than ever!"

"I'm feeling good today!"

This is probably the deadliest lie I've told, but still it says it's self before I even think, it rearranges it's letters to seamlessly fit each conversation, and I never take it back... I just let the lie ride, because I'm more comfortable doing that than saying "No, actually, I'm not fine, it's just that I'd conditioned myself to say so whenever I was asked, so that no one would ever find out how bad things really were,"

Why is this lie so harmful?

Because it's telling yourself that how you're feeling doesn't really matter, that no one cares anyway, that it's not valid. It's a lie that tears you down, and keeps you locked inside yourself.

I'm an introverted person with a huge, vivid, and rampant, imagination, so I spend a lot of time in my head. And it's fun, it's what I had as a child in order to get through life, but sometimes now it is a nightmare that I can't escape, because of how I view myself, those views bleed through into my imaginary life because I hold all my pain and trouble inside and rarely let it see the light of other people's sight.

I have a terrible urge to shout my past and present hurts from the flat roof of the place that is practically my home, from the sloping roof of the place I live, from the top of the suspension bridge, from the highest rung of the ladder on the water-tower.

And yet. 

I still hide it. 

I still show everyone my happy side

And rarely reveal the darkness

Because that's what I've always done. Smile and wave, but never falter.

I really relate to Elsa from Disney's Frozen. She had a secret which she hid her whole life "Conceal, don't feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know," but once her secret was out she felt free. 'Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone," But then she again was afraid of herself, "Just stay away and you'll be safe from me," afraid that she would hurt people and get hurt again, she is now her own worst enemy "No escape from the storm inside of me," And I really connect to that.

And so there is this battle within myself, of hiding and declaring the truth. And for the moment, look which has won.