The Struggle to Find a Reason

I am constantly engaged in a war that demands everything I've got just in order to survive. A war against Depression. And I know that the only outcome will either be that I survive until I die, or that it kills me first. Often times it seems easier to just give up, to surrender. And so I search for reasons to not do so. I burn through them like a gas guzzler, and once a reason is used it might never work again; because this enemy is one that learns and adapts and fights back. I look under every stone, in every bush, down every rabbit hole, along each river, between each known location, and through any microscope, for a reason - for ANY reason - to persevere for a bit longer. Maybe it's that we'll be eating something I love for dinner tomorrow. Or I need to reach the next level in a video game. A friend wants to show me a movie they love. Maybe someone made me promise to at least try to take care of myself. Or I want to see one more full moon.

If you can find even ONE thing that you MUST do, it can save your life.

Or if you want to leave everything behind because of stress. Perhaps thinking about how, in the grand scheme of things whatever it is doesn't matter that much, might help. But be careful with that one, for while it may help with stress it can also make you feel as though YOU don't matter. And like the Doctor said:

But also, the dark side fights back. It doesn't want to survive. And so it will fight just as hard as the part that wants to live. Unless I can defeat it, or at least shut it up for a while. And so far... well... I haven't had much success.

In fact.

It's finding other ways to get me. Instead of telling me to die, it just quiets the voice that tells me to live. I don't sleep, or eat, or take care of myself properly. At all. It's the kind of thing where you stop watching where you're going, you don't ask people to hang out, you don't eat or drink enough, or sleep well, you stop dressing warmly when it's cold and vice versa, you lose track of the days and months even, you don't take your medication. It doesn't look like suicide and that's why it can hide until it has festered into an enormous beast that drags you around by the chain you tried to tie it with.

And that's what I'm fighting against. The monsters that were born, and grew, and trained.

But perhaps the hardest part...

Is that...

The monsters are ME

A Casual Romance

One of my teachers once said, that couples go through the "relationship" stage and then reach "best friend" stage. And I thought how great it would be to just skip the "relationship" part entirely.

Why can't I just fall in love with someone and they fall in love with me and we skip to the best part? I want to cuddle with them, play with their hair, and to fall asleep in each other's arms because we stayed up late talking about life, love, and the universe. I want to slow dance with them, and drink hot chocolate together, and watch the stars. I want to sit side by side and binge our favorite shows, I want to smile at the thought of them, and them to smile at the thought of me. I want to hold hands as we stroll through a park, and I want to have water gun fights, and make meals together, and tease each other. I want to see them nerd out over their favorite things, and to do the same in front of them, I want to see their eyes light up with passion over the phrasing of a sentence in a book, or the fan art they just found, I want to hold them as we deal with the death of fictional characters, and I want to see them grin with joy when their otp becomes canon. I want to play video games and board games and card games with them. I want to surprise them with chocolates, theatre tickets, and fuzzy socks.

Just to fall in love, without it being weird or awkward. To know how you feel about one another, without any guesswork or tiptoeing. Where you both can be who you are without judgement or fear. I want a love that's comfortable, that is never forced or fake, if they don't want a kiss or to cuddle or to watch something with me, I need them to know that they are free to say no. I want life to pass with the two of us side-by-side and us still happy together.

[found on pinterest]

also found on pinterest

I want my true love, to be like my best friend.

My Biggest Lie

I try to be an honest and truthful person. I really do. But there is one lie that always slips through.

"I'm doing well!"

"Things are great!"

"Life is good right now!"

"Better than ever!"

"I'm feeling good today!"

This is probably the deadliest lie I've told, but still it says it's self before I even think, it rearranges it's letters to seamlessly fit each conversation, and I never take it back... I just let the lie ride, because I'm more comfortable doing that than saying "No, actually, I'm not fine, it's just that I'd conditioned myself to say so whenever I was asked, so that no one would ever find out how bad things really were,"

Why is this lie so harmful?

Because it's telling yourself that how you're feeling doesn't really matter, that no one cares anyway, that it's not valid. It's a lie that tears you down, and keeps you locked inside yourself.

I'm an introverted person with a huge, vivid, and rampant, imagination, so I spend a lot of time in my head. And it's fun, it's what I had as a child in order to get through life, but sometimes now it is a nightmare that I can't escape, because of how I view myself, those views bleed through into my imaginary life because I hold all my pain and trouble inside and rarely let it see the light of other people's sight.

I have a terrible urge to shout my past and present hurts from the flat roof of the place that is practically my home, from the sloping roof of the place I live, from the top of the suspension bridge, from the highest rung of the ladder on the water-tower.

And yet. 

I still hide it. 

I still show everyone my happy side

And rarely reveal the darkness

Because that's what I've always done. Smile and wave, but never falter.

I really relate to Elsa from Disney's Frozen. She had a secret which she hid her whole life "Conceal, don't feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know," but once her secret was out she felt free. 'Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone," But then she again was afraid of herself, "Just stay away and you'll be safe from me," afraid that she would hurt people and get hurt again, she is now her own worst enemy "No escape from the storm inside of me," And I really connect to that.

And so there is this battle within myself, of hiding and declaring the truth. And for the moment, look which has won.

My Little Sister

Sometimes in life you discover something that takes a special place in your heart. I have found a great many things, but that doesn't make any of them less precious. Today I am talking about: hugging my little sister.

She and I were in Sweeney Todd together!

My little sister is very capable of being annoying - as younger siblings are - but so is most of the human race, so I don't really fault her for that. And on the other hand, she is generous, loving, gentle, and intelligent. She will greet you with big hugs, share her chocolates, miss you when you're gone, form her own opinions, pray for everyone to sleep well, and do her share of the housework. She is probably the most mature seven-year-old I know.

She loves animals, anime, games, and villains. And her family, especially our mom.

I don't have a lot of free time, and when I do I usually spend it alone in my room. So I have kinda missed seeing my little baby sister - and other siblings - growing up this year.

And the last couple days I got to cuddle with her, and it was wonderful. We sat side-by-side, she played her games and listened to her music, and I browsed pinterest and wrote a blog post. We didn't talk much, but it was still great bonding time.

Today she was 'teaching' me and one of our brothers, 'how to create a dance move'

I love her, and while I'd love for her to stay a little girl, I can't wait to see who she'll become.

An Inner Darkness

My brain has this function where I can see both sides of an argument/thought/idea/ and see the outcomes, for the most part. And while normally I think this would be a good thing, it also effects me when I'm depressed and trying to tell myself things to make me feel better. The problem is that I can have full hypothetical scenarios play out in my head, and while I can see both good and bad, the thing with depression is that the bad usually wins. Today for example: I was relaxing, everything was great, but then I got into a what-if. I was scrolling Pinterest and came across a post about how others are effected by the self-harm and suicide of their loved ones. The purpose of the post was to help us that are in the struggle, by giving us another reason to not self-harm, and to live. But for me, it didn't do that. Instead it spawned a hypothetical scene, where I attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge and was rescued and hospitalized; after messaging a friend to let them know that was I planning it. The me in that made-up situation decided it would be better for them to know - and have them spread the word - instead of me just going missing. While the hospital scenes played out, with people asking why, and trying to convince me to live, saying how much it would hurt everyone, how much I mean, that people need me, I fought back by saying that I don't mean that much, that everyone will be able to move on just fine, that everything would be better off without me, that they'll find someone else that's better than me.

Last week or so, I found an empty box in my room, I grabbed a pencil and wrote on the lid "A Box of Reasons." I then got some paper, and wrote down reasons to live. Most of them are the names of my friends. Some are shows that I'm watching. Some are sweet things that my friends have said. Some are goals of mine. And things I love. My plan was that anytime I am depressed, I can pull out some of those strips of paper and find the courage, find a reason to keep going. But my plan has a flaw. Because while it did give me joy and encouragement, it also gave me thoughts like: "they're wrong about you" "they'd be better off without you" "you won't amount to anything" "you're not good enough for that" "you don't work hard enough for you to actually love doing that" "you're wrong about that" "you can't even make it through a day, how are you going to have a life?"

I am my own worst saboteur. No one hurts me more than me. One reason I don't like being alone is that if I give my brain an inch it will destroy me.

I'm not writing this asking for sympathy. I'm asking for you to understand. Life isn't easy, even when you don't have a mental illness, and life with one can feel downright impossible. So please don't look down on us, or think we are just like you, don't call us liars, don't think that we are just begging for attention.

For some of us, that attention is all that's keeping us away from the edge. Don't assume that because someone smiles a lot and works hard and laughs loud, that they are fine.

Most people think that I am a laid back, happy-go-lucky, without a care in the world, sunshine rainbows and unicorns, kind of girl. But I'm not. This week I choreographed part of a modern dance piece, and showed it to my dance teacher and classmates. I turned off most of the lights, and had no music. It was a dark piece, inspired by the trauma and hardships I've gone through, and how it has left me terrified that it will all repeat again. In the piece I fell a lot (my knees still hurt), and my hair was down and in my face, and I punched the floor and flailed around, my glasses fell off, I ran around, and silently sobbed, and shook, and just when I seemed to be able to stand, I dropped to my knees again, put my head in my hands on the floor, and screamed. I think I made everyone uncomfortable. Because I showed them my inner darkness, when all they had known was a happy girl with a passion for theatre. After I performed that little piece of a dance, I was shaking, my anxiety habit of playing with my hands kicked in, I felt out of breath, and my voice trembled. I forced them all to see a dark and hurting person who was left screaming on the floor. And I forced myself to show it to them. And I felt relieved. After all, it's exhausting to wear a mask 24/7, of a persona so very different from how you truly feel.

Does this mean I'm never happy? No. I often feel happiness, especially when I'm with my friends, or performing in a show. Does this mean that I want to be coddled and have everyone constantly praising me? Hell No. I don't want special treatment, or for people to be extra gentle around me. In fact I want you to be brutally yourself, and speak to and around me with perfect candor. I just want you to be aware of my truth.

I have Depression. I have Anxiety. I have PTSD. They don't own me - though they sometimes take over. But they are a part of me, and now you know.

So... Very... Tired... part... 2...

I'm super tired. I just pulled an all-nighter, and I am actually having trouble typing due to the fact that I'm barely able to move. My head is uncontrollably bobbing around, and my limbs feel sorta numb... and I have class all day today! *sarcastic voice* This will be fun!

I just hope I survive.

Seriously y'all. Don't be me. Don't do something crazy exhausting for two years without a break and then top school on as well. I might not make it, but at least you can learn from my mistakes! Not-jokes aside, I have really enjoyed most of the last two years, but there are definitely moments when I wish I hadn't been so overzealous. I'm dead tired.

If I survive, you'll hear from me again! ...eventually...

Good day!

20 questions that will reveal my true self?

Here are 20 questions that will reveal my true self...?

I got this list from Power of Positivity

Self discovery is something that I guess you could say I'm obsessed with. I want/need to know who I am, in order to truly be me...

that might not have made sense...

This list is going to involve me being very vulnerable, but if that's what it takes then I'll do it. So please respect and understand that this may reveal sides of me that you hadn't seen before.


Let's dive right in shall we?

20 QUESTIONS TO ASK SOMEONE THAT WILL 

REVEAL THEIR TRUE SELF

1. What’s your life motto, or philosophy you live by? 

I am a bit like Sally Brown, finding new philosophies by the day.

Some of them are:

• Do no harm, take no s***
• Everything happens for a reason
• Don't cry over spilled milk, but if you cry don't feel bad about the tears
• Don't let anyone control you
• Never be ashamed of who you are - unless you are harming others.

2. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

Well to be honest... I don't particularly like myself... but... I guess... maybe the way my voice sounds when I sing Evanescence songs. 

3. Do you follow a religion or spiritual practice?

I'm a Christian

4. What was the best time of your life?

i don't know. 

5. What was the worst thing that ever happened to you?

well... this one is kinda hard. I lived under abuse from my dad for 15 years. so it's kinda hard to pick one thing. but i think it would be when my family had to leave the church that was my whole world. all my friends went there and it was where i felt at home. in an instant everything that mattered most to me was torn away - because of my dad's actions during the church service that morning - and i don't think i'll ever fully recover from that. 

6. What’s your biggest dream?

Being known for my acting

7. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

a doctor, or beautician, or an astronomer, or a deep sea marine biologist, or a herbal botanist, or a writer, or an actor.

8. What was/is your biggest accomplishment?

Playing Ariel in The Little Mermaid jr. / surviving 

9. Why do you think we’re all here?

that is an excellent question

10. What was your best relationship?

If this is about romantic relationships I have nothing to say there, because I've never been in one. But I have a lot of friendships that mean the world to me. 

11. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

Make love stronger

12. Do you like your job? If not, what would you like to do instead?

I currently don't have a job. I need to get one...

13. What are your favorite hobbies?

hobbies... drawing and reading

14. If money was no object, what would you do in life?

I would travel the world. I would help my community theatre grow. I would go see broadway shows and other big productions. I would buy a house in Southern California. I would eat how I want to. I would live in NYC and audition for shows for a while. I would make, buy, and support art

15. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I doubt it. I really don't think that I have that power.

16. What are you thankful for?

My friends. Without them, I probably wouldn't still be here.

17. What do you wish people understood more about you?

Well... kinda everything... that I'm a wildly varied person. That I feel very deeply and feel everyone's pain. That I have depression and anxiety, and just because I can hide it most of the time doesn't mean that it isn't severe. That I'm an asexual, and that it's not "just a phase."

18. If you could turn back time and do anything differently, would you?

There is one thing I did a couple months ago that I might change... but it's too personal to go into details... no... I said I'd be vulnerable... I told my crush that I liked him. I think I might want to go back and take back my words. Because of the confusion and pain and vulnerability and heartache that followed. However... it's really best not to want to change anything. Just learn how to deal with and make the most of the consequences. I mean, everyone has someone break their heart at some point. Though I've been broken-hearted before, this was the first time that it was in this situation. But anyway, I usually live by the philosophy that everything happens for a reason, and it's not something to try and change.

19. What’s the craziest, or most exciting thing you’ve ever done?

Heh, my life hasn't had a lot of crazy exciting things, so I guess the answer is riding roller-coasters. I love roller-coasters! And they definitely get my adrenaline going.

20. What do you think about most often?

I'm not sure that there is just one thing... I think about a lot... life and death... what show is coming next... how much work I'm behind on... how I'm a burden to everyone... how much I want to play various roles... how people don't understand asexuality... how much I love my friends, and how I might very well be dead without them... I guess my friends are what occupy my thoughts the most.

____________


Well... that was interesting for me. It got me thinking about a lot.

Did you learn anything new about me? Or about yourself? Tell me what you think! If you write a post, filling this out for yourself, put a link in the comments! I'd love to learn about you.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

...so...very...tired...

Well ladies and gents, I completely failed in keeping up the October challenge, due to being crazy busy and exhausted. I was in a production of Sweeney Todd, and my college dance concert, and I am now in a Christmas talent showcase of sorts.

Sweeney Todd went very well, and was a lot of fun! Sondheim is a musical genius. I made new friends! One cast member - how was also in charge of set changes - got his hand smashed on the second to last performance, I was his second in command, so I then had to take charge to make sure everything happened and all his moves got covered. But it was all good in the end! His hand is recovering, and i got experience in on the spot problem solving.

The dance show also went well, and I have two very bruised knees to show for it!

October was also a month in which I was very depressed a lot, which made everything even harder to do.

So I apologize for disappearing yet again. I am starting to come to grips with that just being how I am. I will work on it. But for now, I'm a frequently AWOL blogger.

Goodnight all! I will try to have another post up soon!

Agents and Assassins, Beautiful Books

So, I haven't really talked about my writing in quite a while, so I'm going to participate in Beautiful Books! The blog link-up for writers, hosted by Further Up And Further In. If you don't know what it is go over there to read the rules. I'm too lazy to type them out right now...

So here we go. I'm going to use my WIP 'Agents and Assassins'.

1. What inspired the idea for your novel, and how long have you had the idea? Actually, I was watching Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time, a couple of years ago, and I got the idea for a scene with a mysterious woman in black and a clueless hero arguing in a desert, so I wrote that scene and the story branched off from there. :)

2. Describe what your novel is about! It is about a very average young man named John Fletcher, and how he meets an easily upset young woman - who happens to be a secret agent - and gets swept up in a crazy adventure to stop an evil mastermind

3. What is your book’s aesthetic? Use words or photos or whatever you like! Check out my pinterest board: Agents and Assassins

none of the images are mine, i found them on pinterest

ditto the previous caption

I made this on Polyvore

4. Introduce us to each of your characters! The main characters are: John Fletcher 21-year-old photographer, ran away from home on his best friend's airplane, a bit clueless and apathetic, does as he's told. Naya Law; easily angered, young woman, hates incompetence, been an agent since teen years. Cary Hitchcock; friendly, focused, young man, agent, captain of the team that Naya is on. Gigi Taylor, (I haven't written her yet, but she is awesome. No one is allowed to know anything about her just yet.). 

5. How do you prepare to write? (Outline, research, stocking up on chocolate, howling, etc.?) I usually hang out with the characters in my head and watch them in my imagination until I have enough material to work with for a while.

6. What are you most looking forward to about this novel? The twists. And the emotional and/or dark scenes. I love these characters, so I'm looking forward to spending time with them. :)

7. List 3 things about your novel’s setting. Planes. Deserts. Secret bases.

8. What’s your character’s goal and who (or what) stands in the way? John's goal is to stop the evil mastermind. What stands in his way is the fact that he is untrained and doesn't have the knowledge or skill necessary.  

9. How does your protagonist change by the end of the novel? He becomes an agent (maybe), and gets more emotionally balanced.

10. What are your book’s themes? How do you want readers to feel when the story is over? I guess the themes are: Working through hardship. Friendship. Learning to live with a great sorrow. Helping others though trauma. 

I want readers to be inspired to reach their goal. Whether that goal is saving the world, or saving a friend, or saving themselves. 

Thank you for coming on this adventure with me! 

And if you're new to my blog, be sure to have a look around, and drop me a comment!

See you later! 

Day 7: Kayla's 31 Days Of October Challenge, continues.

I feel as though I need to explain a couple things about this challenge. The books I that I'm posting about, I have read, but am not currently reading, I'm not trying to read a book in a day (even I'm not that good).
I guess that was the only thing...

And so it continues!
Day 6:

A Damsel in Distress by P.G. Wodehouse

Day 7:

The Young Carthaginian by G.A. Henty

I didn't post yesterday because I by the time I had the time I was really struggling with depression, and I couldn't type. But I'm better at the moment, so yay! I can put this up now!

Later today I will be dressing up as this guy!:

For something or other, I don't really understand, but it's to support the arts so I'm game.

Have a wonderful day everyone!

#kaylas31daysofoctoberchallenge