5/25/2020

I wish I were a good blogger, I really do. But I keep forgetting I even have a blog.

Life update. Well, we are in the days of self-isolation due to Covid 19. But things are starting to open back up. I’ve been drawing, and in general just trying to stay busy at home, in order to keep what sanity I have. 

I haven’t done much writing in the past year, but I am slowly working on the backstory for my current D&D character named Aust. 

I feel that a blog post should have something more than a few sentences but that’s all I got right now. 

Oh yeah, I’m 21 now. So there’s that. It’s really not any different so far. I felt more capable of being an adult at 17, than I feel now.

Life Update 6/25/19

Hello my poor forgotten blog. At this point I'm not even going to apologize, it's happened too many times for a sorry to cut it.

Here I am! The usual mess.
Believe it or not I have actually been doing more than ignoring this outlet. I have spent more time out of the house meeting with friends (even acquaintances and almost-strangers!), in addition to my everyday fare of worrying about the future, agonizing about my own "failures" and wishing I would get my act together. I now have my driver's licence, which has made my life more interesting and opportunities more reachable. For instance, I recently got to be in a model in a Pride bodypaint photoshoot by the skillful Justin O'Keith, something that I had never hoped I could do.

This summer I will be going to my first con! Anime Fest in Dallas. I am very excited about it, and I need to get started on my cosplay.

I also have been finding more music, current favorites are:

• iRobot by Jon Bellion
• Bad Guy by Billie Eilish
• Bury a Friend by Billie Eilish
• Starlight Brigade by TWRP and Dan Avidan

Less pleasant things in my life include people starting drama within the community theatre. I won't go into details but person A is abusing their power to keep person B (a nice, helpful person) from being cast, even though A has knowingly cast abusive people in shows that their victims are involved in. I am beyond frustrated and honestly I wish I had the guts to expose it all.

Artist Highlight: Amber

She is beautiful, talented, funny and just so cool. She is Amber Liu. I am a wee bit obsessed with her and her voice. She is a member of the kpop band F(X) and also does her own solo music. Learn about her, love her, appreciate her. 

Amber Josephine Liu (born September 18, 1992), known professionally as Amber or Amber Liu, is a Taiwanese American singer, rapper, songwriter and composer. She is a member of the South Korean girl group f(x). She also debuted as a solo artist in February 2015 with the release of her EP, Beautiful.

In an article about her latest album Rouge Rouge:

Musically, the first thing that really caught my ear about Rogue Rouge was that there's no rapping in this and you've always been known as "the rapper."

It's always been in me, but I'm not a rapper. I'm a singer. I rap, but I don’t consider myself a rapper. I love songwriting and rap is part of my songwriting, but I'm not a rapper. I just love singing, I love narrations, I love using my voice. It's been nearly 10 years being in this industry and I still get people who say, "She's hard, she's strong, she's so brave." No! I'm really scared of everything, I'm very, very emotional, I'm extremely soft! If you say something to me I'll be thinking about that until I go home. I wanted to be like, "Guys, I'm not who you think I am." I wanted the ability to be me.

She is recognized for her masculine/androgynous style, and to be honest that's what made me first look into her, I was confused about her gender identity and did some google searches to learn about her. She identifies as female, but loves her own style and uses it to help break down the walls of gender roles.

^ Seriously, how cute and fun is that song and video! ^

Amber, thank you for being awesome!

^ this is the video that made me google her ^

Power in Music - my Pump Up playlist

Music can be very powerful, and can be used in many different way to buffer different emotions. Today I will be sharing my Pump Up playlist, it's made up of songs that consistently pump me up in a positive manner. Songs that energize me and give me the drive to move and work. Some of them are inspirational, fun, and some are just outright goofy and/or involve specific fandoms.

{*some songs will contain swearing}

I'd Rather Be Me - Mean Girls 
  the spotify version is clean, the original song has a cuss word

Defying Gravity - Wicked

Moving On - Good Charlotte

*All The Way (I believe in Steve) - the Gregory Brothers, aka Schmoyoho

The Muffin Song (asdfmovie) - the Gregory Brothers, aka Schmoyoho

Life Is Fun - Boyinaband, TheOdd1sOut

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
  the covers by Pentatonix and Panic At The Disco are also amazing

We Are All Batpeople - the Gregory Brothers, aka Schmoyoho

DFTBA - Hank Green 


This list is always going to be updated when I find another song to add, but this is where it's currently at.
Let me know what you have on your pump up playlist, and have a wonderful day!

In A Funk

Every artist and likely every human at some point or another gets caught in a rut, a place of confusion, a funk. And while knowing that it's normal is comforting it doesn't do anything to bring you out of it.

I've been stuck for a while now, unsure of what to do or pursue. I know the things I love but I'm pestered by the doubts of my abilities and the struggles of life tell me that I can't survive on what I want. And still there things I want to try that maybe I'll love even more than what I already know about. I can't see the future and I don't even have any guesses, I've been trained by my experiences to not look too far ahead except in fear because the danger is now and I might never arrive at the time I'm dreaming of. I've tried to be positive I've tried being neutral but nothing keeps my head above the waves, I can't swim and I'm no where near the shore. So I flounder between ideas and ideals, knowing any second now I will drown. I wanted to be a writer, a filmmaker, an actor, a singer, a dancer, and artist of all trades... but now I'm just scared, I don't know how to focus or what to focus on, I'm practically penniless, and hate being dead-weight but I'm terrified of moving to a challenge that might be a lifesaver because I also can see it as a life-ender. They say what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, but never told me what to do if it could kill me. So I stay in uncomfortable stasis, waiting for sign or miracle. I don't expect anyone to save me and I'm not sure I would want them too, because once again I would feel indebted to someone else and unable to return the favor.

So, that's where I'm at right now... unable to figure out what to do with myself, and stressed to Halifax and back. I sincerely hope you all are doing better than I am!

Until next time my readers, take care and have fun.

June 2018 - Pride

Sup, everyone! It is June, also known as Pride Month! A month dedicated to - among other things - celebrating the LGBTQ+ community! And as a very queer person I am very happy about this, because lgbtq+ people are still suffering under a lot of hate and ignorance from all sides and having a whole month where we can celebrate who we are and the true allies renew vows of support, it's a beautiful thing.

I personally am a Genderfluid, Panromantic, Asexual! And I'm happy about it. 

This month has sparked a huge amount of beautiful art and loving words, and it's enormously encouraging and uplifting... I get emotional over it all.
My celebrations have been pretty quiet, watching Queer Eye being the main part, and also making plans for lgbtq+ art and clothing that I want to make.

So have a happy pride month, no matter who you are! Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Poly, Pan, Ace, Aro, Demi/Grey, Trans, Agender, Nonbinary, Genderfluid, or anything else.

Respect others and respect yourself. 

Fly your flags, sing out, wear rainbows or whatever you feel most comfortable in! And enjoy this collection of images I found on the internet!

The Forgetful Wordsmith

I am back after another long unplanned hiatus!

I keep disappearing partly because my life - while very busy - is pretty boring, and partly because I am super forgetful. I simply forget about half of the things in my life. Including, to write posts.

But I am back! for now And I have a quick update on what is going on in my life!

For the second half of May I will be on a trip with my college, to London and Edinburgh! I'm enormously excited for that! As you might know - if you know me at all - I have dreamed of going to England for as long as I can remember.

I took a drawing class this semester and I feel that I have made progress in Learning To See (our drawing motto). 

I got a haircut! I now look like a non-binary brit, which is very pleasing. And I am the most comfortable and confident in my appearance that I have ever been!

I'm still struggling to eat enough and I have lost 20 pounds in the past 12 months, which has affected the fit of my clothes, making them a bit big.

But some more good news is that my mental health has been mostly stable and in a good place!

Now have some pictures of my work and life!

Actually Good

Hey everyone,

For the last week or so I have been experiencing something that is a bit of a phenomenon in my life... Feeling, good; actually good. I'm happy and for the first time in a long time I'm not just content to live, I want to live.

It's incredible, and I can hardly believe it. I had long ago begun to doubt that I would ever feel this way again, much less, feel it consistently for over a week.

I'm not suddenly an optimist, or thinking that I'm "fixed" or "healed" I simply can smile instead of cry as I fall asleep, and I can go to class with less dread weighing me down.

I have hope for the future. And I want to see life happen.

Dear Self (#3)

[this series was in part inspired by the musical Dear Evan Hansen, at the end of which Evan writes: "Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why. Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." it's a beautiful show with a beautiful message that I try to take to heart every day]

Dear Self,

Today is looking like it will be a good day, and here's why:
You went to sleep last night, and let Indy stay with you - it's not often that you've been able to get one of the cats to snuggle - all night long. Waking with her curled up on my legs was a welcome start to the day.
You'll be going dancing later! I know how much you/I love that. So don't forget to get ready.
You've been doing very well the past few days, and I'm proud of you. Please keep up the good work.
You have plans to work on the art homework, but don't stress too much over it, you've got this.

Respectfully,
            Yourself

Dear Self (#2)

[this is a series that I am making to remind myself of the good things in life, and to tell myself that I have value even when I can't see it. I hope that you can also take comfort from it.] 

Dear Self,

Today has been good and will most likely continue as such. You allowed yourself to show passion for something that is often undervalued - that is more admirable than you realize; and through talking of your passion, you were shown talents and skills that you have learned and are still mastering, but that are not easy, and are well worth valuing in yourself. Don't lose the flame of passion, don't let others succeed in attempts to snuff it out, and remember that as a flame needs oxygen so does love and passion, bear it proudly, don't hide it away in the caverns of yourself that were carved by trauma and sorrow, for nothing good can flourish there forever. That passion will warm you when you are cold and feed you when you are hungry, it will burn away the cages that you find yourself in. Trust it, care for it, and let it see the world.
But also, passion isn't the only thing that gives you value. I know it's hard to see, but you are loved and you are helpful and you are worthy of the affection you so earnestly yearn for. You are and will give back to the world, and when the time is right every one - even you/I - will see that.

With wholehearted sincerity,
                                      Yourself

Dear Self (#1)

Dear Self,
Today was a good day and here’s why:

You didn't have a panic attack.
You didn't have a bad depressive episode.
The weather was pleasant, and comfortable.
You and your scene partner did well in Acting class.
You spent some time with a good friend.
You did well in Drawing, and were given praise for it.
You had good interactions with people.
You were open about yourself.
You ate meals.
And you did well in remembering that these things matter to you and therefore they matter.
~ Fondly For The Possibly First Time, Your Self

Floating Away

I’ve spent a lot of time recently, feeling like I’m barely holding myself together. I feel as though my mind is trying to float away from my body, leaving it with only the basic functions. And then while I’m in that helpless state, people need to ask me questions, and I have to complete tasks… but because I’m not all there, I feel that I’m rather inadequate.  

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To Read And Relate

"It's so weird, to know you're crazy and not be able to do anything about it, you know? It's not like you believe yourself to be normal. You know there is a problem. But you can't figure a way through to fixing it." ~ Turtles All The Way Down 

Words are powerful. Language is incredible.

We have it so that we can communicate with one another, and we can share thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And sometimes, when you share, someone else will hear/read and in so doing they discover something in common. And as mostly social creatures, humans like to find the 'shared' the 'commonalities' and the 'same here-s'. We don't like to feel alone.

I feel alone more often than not. And that can get very difficult to deal with. So when I find something - real or fiction - that I can relate to, I get flooded with feelings of gratitude; knowing someone understands. And right now, I relate to the main character Aza from John Green's latest book "Turtles All The Way Down"

I'm still reading the book, I haven't reached the ending, but so far, the book is amazing in how much of me I found in Aza. Her struggles are much like mine, and her thoughts are ones I've had. I relate to her so much that it hurts. And to be honest, I've been slow in reading it, because sometimes the panic she feels reaches me and I can't keep reading. But that's okay. It means that I'm not alone. And I am extremely grateful to John Green. "Turtles" is a book that has become very special to me, and I think it always will be.

I highly recommend it to anyone with mental health issues, because it's helping me, and I hope it would help you too.

Feel Numb

If you fight to live with depression, you know how it is. Hours, days, or weeks when you don't feel, or everything is so numb that you just don't register emotions.
It's difficult to carry on on days like that. But for me, I force myself to keep going anyway, because of my anxiety telling me that if I don't, I'll be letting everyone down.

Numbdays are a sludge to move through, and that's how I feel right now actually. I can hardly type this, because my mind isn't processing sentences quickly enough, and i'm forgetting how to spell. And I don't have the drive to say anything, or to work, or do anything at all. It's like being a mold for a concrete made of boredom. I just sit frozen, staring off into space, the only movement is my breathing and an occasional twitch in my neck or knee. My hands feel too heavy to lift, and if my mind is working at all then it's a prisoner screaming at the guard. Days like this, I don't even eat or drink. My stomach could be rumbling loud enough for everyone to hear, but it doesn't move me. The ringing in my ears will climb higher and higher in volume, but I won't turn on music to drown it out.

I just sit, in pain and apathy.

I honestly don't know how I'm managing to write at all right now. it's more than I usually am capable of.

I've been browsing Netflix for something but selecting nothing, looking up comics I used to read but ignoring them as soon as they are found, looking through the games I have but not feeling able to rise to the challenge that I've always craved.

I close my eyes for a moment and already cannot open them again. I feel my head slump forward so slowly that a snail would be bored, until my chin hits my chest. I'm uncomfortable but can't shake myself back into the world of the living.

What Makes You Passionate

Do you ever just get excited over something? The kind of excited where you can't be quiet and you want to jump up and down and wave your arms and scream incoherently? If so, good! That's awesome!
Is it something crazy? Popular? Everyday? Unusual? Silly?

Well today I'm going to mention something that makes me crazy enthusiastic

CHAIRS.

when used in theatre or dance, chairs can be surprisingly powerful and versatile

from the angle at which they sit, to the way you sit on them,

whether it's one solitary chair, or a whole lot of them

if they match or not, what color(s) they are, do they have cushions, are they covered

wood, metal, plastic

if they are in a line, or a circle

if they are even upright, if they are hung from the ceiling, or have a broken leg

each thing has a different feel, a different atmosphere, or vibe

you can move them around, stand on them, hold them over your head, trip on them, jump over them

stack them, break them, fold them, spin them, 

there are so many ways to use a chair. and that excites me a lot.

They are used in Hamilton, and Come From Away, and they way they are used is beautiful

Four years ago, I never would have guessed that I'd be PASSIONATE about chairs. But here I am. And I'm never going back. 

Things I'm Grateful For

Don't get worked up, I know that Thanksgiving has passed already! ;)

But the thing is, Thanksgiving has always been a bit weird for me. Most people take the day to focus on being grateful of things they take for granted... but growing up poor, abused, and isolated, gives you a higher appreciation for everything good, and you don't tend to take things for granted. So... I've always kinda thought that it was weird for people to spend ONE DAY a year being ultra grateful.

But! That being said, I do sometimes just want to list some things that are good in my life. And here it is:

British accents - all of them (I find them calming and/or moodlifting)

Theatre

Musicals

Costumes (I think it's really cool that it's acceptable to dress up as almost anything)

Domesticated Cats (seriously. they make life so much better)

Decent Internet Speed

Good Coffee

CATS

Red-heads (so gorgeous) 

Books About Cats

Freckles (I love freckled faces!)

Art In All It's Glorious Forms

Books That Feature Cats

Friends That Let Me Borrow Their Book That Features Cats (thx Margaret!) 

Good SciFi

Little Siblings That Love To Give Hugs

A Math Teacher That Cares About Her Students' Mental Health

Chocolate

The Moments When Your Cat Chooses To Curl Up At Your Feet While You're Drinking Good Coffee And Writing A Blog Post Thanks To Good Internet

Thanks for stopping by! I'm hoping to post more often again. But we'll see. 

The Best/Worst Part Of Being Human

You know the best/worst thing that exists in a human? Emotions. Pure and simple. Scratch that, there's nothing simple and very rarely pure about them...

But I'm more specifically talking about empathy - the ability to feel what someone else is feeling - and caring - when someone else's experiences have an emotional impact on you even though they may not have any "practical" effect. These are what may be affected when you watch a movie or read a book. For instance, if you cried at key moments of 'The Lion King', 'Old Yeller', 'The Fox and the Hound', or 'Big Hero 6'.

Me... I cry a lot. I cry a lot more when it comes to fictional worlds, than my own. But why is that? Why is it that almost every episode of 'Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D', or nearly any song from 'Hamilton' or 'Dear Evan Hansen' will cause tears, but I struggle to consistently feel real emotion when it comes to big events in my own life? 

Although, if I'm depressed enough, it will keep me from feeling anything for the characters that I love.

Being human is such a mixed bag.

Yes we have emotions! 

But...

We have, emotions. 

And sometimes... a lot of times... I hate that about us...

But other times... I get high off of them. Joy... and pain. And as many addictions go... I don't want to give it up. 

But here's the catch: I'm only addicted to pain, if it's someone else's. I will soak up the hurt of anyone I care about, real or fictional, until I am literally overflowing. And I will keep coming back for more, even though I physically ache, my face is stained with the salty tears, my nose is dripping, and my eyes sting. Even though I cannot suffer it quietly, and often bury my face in a pillow to muffle the cries. I will always come back to partake in whatever emotions they have. 

However... if it's my own pain... I will avoid it, hide from it, mask it... anything that I can to forget about it - and it's become so normal that I feel wrong if it's not there in the shadows - or I will allow a part of myself to take over... a part that I don't like showing to people... a piece that doesn't have emotions... unless curiosity counts. And I only let him have control when I am in so much pain that I can no longer function. Because when that's the case, I am always alone. If I let him out when I'm with others... then I don't really know what he'd I'd do. He's manipulative... a man of science and learning... with a much smaller conscience, and a much better poker face. But enough about him. 

When I get invested in something or someone... I tend to do so wholeheartedly. And that makes it hard sometimes... because I get stretched thin. Between this life, and the fictional worlds that I love, I have a hell of a lot to care about, and it gets to be too much every once in a while, but I don't mind.

In conclusion.

Don't make a super intelligent A.I. that will eventually become envious of human's ability to feel. 

The Cruelest of Muses

I am staring at a blank page, the words that had so fervently brought themselves to me have now fled, perhaps in sudden fear of being judged, or maybe they just love to torment me. 

As a writer, this is no marvel but rather something that is quite ordinary and expected. I no longer ask why, only that they  visit again, in hopes that I might tame the wild thoughts and phrases that run rampant in my mind. 

It can be a beautiful thing when they choose to stay by my side, hovering over the keyboard or paper, watching as I bring them from myself into a world that others can also experience. And that is all I ask of them. Let me create an experience. It need not be amazing, or joyous, or uplifting, but simply be. 

I want to make a mark of some kind on the heart, mind, or soul of the one who reads my words. But there are many days when I feel that it is too much to hope for, and that these words of mine will simply go in the eyes and leave the mind in the very next breath, to pass into oblivion and be forgot forever.

And maybe that is, and will always be the case, but until it can be proven, I shall continue to write, with the cruelest of muses before me: 

Hope.

Until next time.

Yours ever, 

           Kayla Rose.

Something Good

Today I got extremely excited over something that I haven't been excited over in a long time... food.

Now I'm guessing that you'll be thinking one of two things: 

1. Why is she excited about food?

or

2. Why isn't she always excited about food?

And well...

I have been struggling with eating enough for about a year now... before that, I could out eat some of my brothers... so the sudden switch has been hard on me both physically and emotionally. I have some wonderful friends that remind me to eat, and to take care of myself, but that doesn't stop the problem. I still mostly only eat once a day, and that one meal usually can't even classify as that. And it's not that I'm not hungry... in fact I'm frequently hungry... I just either don't notice, am too busy to do anything about it, or choose to ignore it. 

Now today mostly consisted of laying in bed and binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. But at 7:30 pm, I suddenly became hungry, and I mean really hungry. So I went to the kitchen and put together the biggest meal that I've made myself in a year: a sandwich using every type of sandwich making that we have, a large muffin, a glass of nestle iced tea, and another glass of earl grey tea. 

I was prancing like Titus Andromedon, and grinning like Kimmy. 

I was so genuinely happy, that I cleared off my desk, and set it with a bed-sheet for a tablecloth and a mug with flower-pens for a centerpiece. And I was reminded of the things I used to do that would make me this happy on a regular basis. Like dressing up, having tea parties, drinking hot tea, and reading all the time. 

Now I know that this one moment isn't going to completely fix me. But maybe it will help... 

Thank you for listening.

P.S. Now I'm about to go eat Ice Cream!

Flowers on a Suit

A poetry piece for you today! Written just now, in response to the actually good day that I had. 

Flowers on a Suit

Chiropractor visit

For the pain in your back

From the injury you had

While doing what you love

A good talk with your therapist 

About your mental health

As you play with watercolors

To calm down and relax

Silk flowers on a suit jacket

That you put there yourself

Applied with a hot glue gun

And arranged randomly

Chilling with your friends

All sitting in one room

Playing video games

And talking about everything

Now at home again

You and your date-mate call

Each doing your own thing

Together at a distance

A good day indeed it was

Happy and relaxing

Productive and rewarding

And as bright as flowers on a suit

~ Kayla