Something Good

Today I got extremely excited over something that I haven't been excited over in a long time... food.

Now I'm guessing that you'll be thinking one of two things: 

1. Why is she excited about food?

or

2. Why isn't she always excited about food?

And well...

I have been struggling with eating enough for about a year now... before that, I could out eat some of my brothers... so the sudden switch has been hard on me both physically and emotionally. I have some wonderful friends that remind me to eat, and to take care of myself, but that doesn't stop the problem. I still mostly only eat once a day, and that one meal usually can't even classify as that. And it's not that I'm not hungry... in fact I'm frequently hungry... I just either don't notice, am too busy to do anything about it, or choose to ignore it. 

Now today mostly consisted of laying in bed and binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. But at 7:30 pm, I suddenly became hungry, and I mean really hungry. So I went to the kitchen and put together the biggest meal that I've made myself in a year: a sandwich using every type of sandwich making that we have, a large muffin, a glass of nestle iced tea, and another glass of earl grey tea. 

I was prancing like Titus Andromedon, and grinning like Kimmy. 

I was so genuinely happy, that I cleared off my desk, and set it with a bed-sheet for a tablecloth and a mug with flower-pens for a centerpiece. And I was reminded of the things I used to do that would make me this happy on a regular basis. Like dressing up, having tea parties, drinking hot tea, and reading all the time. 

Now I know that this one moment isn't going to completely fix me. But maybe it will help... 

Thank you for listening.

P.S. Now I'm about to go eat Ice Cream!

Flowers on a Suit

A poetry piece for you today! Written just now, in response to the actually good day that I had. 

Flowers on a Suit

Chiropractor visit

For the pain in your back

From the injury you had

While doing what you love

A good talk with your therapist 

About your mental health

As you play with watercolors

To calm down and relax

Silk flowers on a suit jacket

That you put there yourself

Applied with a hot glue gun

And arranged randomly

Chilling with your friends

All sitting in one room

Playing video games

And talking about everything

Now at home again

You and your date-mate call

Each doing your own thing

Together at a distance

A good day indeed it was

Happy and relaxing

Productive and rewarding

And as bright as flowers on a suit

~ Kayla

Born This Way

This may be news to some of you, or maybe you already know, but back in April - in honor of my 18th birthday - I officially "came out" though I had been more privately "out" for a while now.

And since June is Pride Month, what better time to write a post about it!

I AM AN ASEXUAL PANROMANTIC!!!!! And I couldn't be happier about it! AND a much more recent discovery revealed that I'm also Genderfluid!

Asexual, Meaning:

•  I do not feel sexual attraction.

Panromantic, Meaning: 

• I can feel romantic attraction to any and all genders.

Genderfluid, Meaning

• My gender identity (not to be confused with gender expression) shifts and flows between 'female,' 'neutral,' and 'male.' So, for example: Yesterday I was female, but a few days ago I was male, and today I'm more in the middle.

There is a type of peace that comes with learning something about yourself, and knowing how to accept it. For a long time I didn't know how to reconcile all this with my faith. But why would a God that says ALL Love is pure and perfect and good, stop and say "but not that Love." 
When I accepted the idea that being something other than "straight" was not a sin, I immediately felt a peace and happiness wash over me that I had never felt before. And a few months after that, I realized that I'm Asexual and Panromantic. It took me much longer to realize my Genderfluidity, and a lot had to happen for me to see it, including:

1. As a child I would fluctuate between tomboy and girly-girl (forms of expression that aren't necessarily linked to gender identity)
2. When planning outfits in my head I would sometimes accidentally envision myself as a guy, but not realize it for a few minutes
3. The fact that I was more comfortable in the guys dressing room, during some shows, and the girls during others.
4. knowing that I still sometimes 100% identify as female, while other times not.
5. when this exchange happened:

Person 1 - "Oh no, I almost broke a nail," runs to take care of the issue

Person 2 - "I'm so glad I'm not a woman right now,"  

Me - "Same here. oh wait..."

SO YEAH! This journey has been wild and terrifying. Terrifying, because of the possible backlash, and wild because it's so not at all who I used to think that I would become. But like I said, I couldn't be happier with who I am!

Fighting For A Dream

Come to think of it, it's a popular theme for movies.

Basically every Disney movie ever.

And just like in those movies, it's not easy. It really is a fight. If life is a war zone, which side will you choose?

The one you believe in? Or the one you think will win?

- - - - - - - - - -

Living in the arts is hard. Whether you are a dancer, a painter, a singer, a musician, an actor... if you are creating art. Likely you are struggling.
I can't speak for you, so I won't try to. But here's my part of the story.

I'm kinda new to this. To the art scene. Though, growing up I drew pictures all the time, and coloring pages were a part of everyday, and dancing in my room was a frequent thing, I wrote stories, and I constantly played games which required nothing more than my imagination - and some variation on elevation. I was creative. But I didn't realize the importance of it all. And I didn't know that it could be a passion. A career.
Now I'm a theatre kid, a costumer, a dancer, an artist. Because now it's a work of passion, that I'm fighting for.
I want to do this, to do art, for the rest of my life. I want nothing else.
I don't have a back-up plan. I know I'll have hard times. I know that it won't pay well. I know what so many people think when they hear that I'm a theatre major.
I'm not naive. I'm not an idiot. I just don't want to be stuck doing something that will drain the life out of me. I want to fight for what I love. And that's art.

I don't know if I'll "succeed" or make it big. I might never be known. But I suppose that I never try then I'm destroying the possibility.
I don't know what I'll create, or even what medium I'll use. I could film something, choreograph something, write something, paint, draw, photograph. I could use wood, metal, water, words, colors, movement, sounds, or light. Or all of the above. Because why limit yourself? If you have something to share then use WHATEVER you want and/or need to use. Don't stop yourself because you think it might not be liked, or it might not turn out well, or you've never done it before. Fear is the prison of art.
Also. Just have fun. Take time to play. Your subconscious mind can be WAY smarter and more talented than your conscious mind. So let it take over. Don't stress. No time spent in art will have been wasted.
And let yourself be YOU. Don't force yourself into some mold that someone else made. Break the rules. Be you. Do you.

My way of smashing the fences, is that I'm going to audition for roles that I actually want and connect to. Instead of what I think I'll be cast as. I want to play the crazy people, the evil people, the hurting people. I want to play parts that were originally written for guys.

I need to follow where my heart is leading. Which may sound like a bad idea. It's definitely a scary one. But I don't know how to live without passion. If i were to do something else... something safer... I really wouldn't be living.

Art is my life. And I wouldn't ask for it any other way. 

My Sleep-Deprived Adventures

[I apologize if none of this makes sense. I'm not exactly in a mental state that is capable of screening my writing.]

Aside from a 45 minute nap yesterday(?) afternoon I have been awake for 37 hours*.

I've had trouble sleeping / had a messed up sleep schedule for quite a while now, and I think that I can safely say that I have tasted sleep-deprivation.
2016 was a crazy year for everyone, and for me it was a continuation plus magnification of the craziness of 2015. For about a year after the beginning of my life and the finding of theatre I held up really well, but then in February 2016 I started getting tired. But did I slow down? No. In fact I did something which I had vowed not to do after doing in the year before: three shows at once. Now, if you aren't familiar with theatre you might not understand the insanity of that so here is a quick diagram illustration.

x + x = X

1 show/production requires X amount of: energy (also seen in the forms of: time, blood, sweat, and tears.)

In order to function your body needs to retain X amount of energy.

And lets say that my life has XXXx of our slowly replenishing resources of the afore mentioned items.  

Most healthy people would have approximately... more than me. And they would spend 1 on work/school, 1 on social life + hobbies, and then if they are in theatre they'll spend 1 on that. 

anywho. I was in 3 shows at the same time. now i don't have a social life or work, but i did have school. so lets do the math (i'm terrible at math AND analogies so hang in there) we have

• Kayla = XXXx  
• 1 show (x3) = XXX
• school (two light semesters) = X
• energy used for life = X

which becomes 

XXXx minus XXXXX 

which means I'm in debt. 

whether that made any sense i don't know.

So what happens when you are awake too long? well according to my five minutes of research, when you reach 36-48 hours of consciousness, you gain appetite (which is actually good for me) some times hallucinate or blur reality with fiction, your powers of memorization get bad, likelihood of making bad decisions goes way up and:

 "One of the things that happens when you're sleep deprived is that your ability to regulate emotions goes haywire. Your brain becomes disorganized in its capacity to process information and your sensitivity to information also get scrambled," says Jason Silva, the host of "Brain Games."**

in my personal experience things have mostly just been silly. I laugh at everything. I play with my face, and in general act like a toddler. my brain jumbles words and letters, my typing is greatly hindered (this writing has been a challenge), my eyes might refuse to focus, and when i sit still i start to lose feeling in my body - not like numbness, but more like my consciousness is withdrawing, leaving behind the molt. I have a few times nearly fallen asleep standing, my mind goes blank and i sway without the ability to do anything about it or even to tell if its real.

people have said that if you are kept awake for too long you will go insane, but i've also heard that the human body will perform a forced restart and make you pass out - much like a sim who wasn't taken care of. so in that case, if you are being forcefully kept awake wouldn't the cause of the not sleeping be the cause of the insanity? and not the act of not sleeping?

{edit} OH YEAH!  I remember now where I was going with the theatre talk. I was gonna say, that I've been sleep deprived since last summer when I nearly destroyed myself with the combination of how much I was doing and how little I was eating and sleeping. I've lived how ever many months with the symptoms but just kept going. Until Christmas when I decided that I wouldn't go back to MCC this semester - which was a good choice, cuz im getting better! I haven't managed to take as much of a theatre break as I had planned though...

SO YEAH.
that was me. rambling on while sleep deprived.



* I went over the math to check my numbers like 10 times.
** apparently there's a great episode of Brain Games that covers this but I wouldn't be able to process it right now, so I'll watch it later.

Favorite Screen Characters tag

Well, I was unofficially tagged for this a very long time ago, but I am only now getting around to posting it.
I am supposed to list my top 10 favorite screen characters.
So here we go!
I'll try to limit it to one character per movie/show.
Alright, in no particular order.
This is REALLY hard.

10. Ugh! I just can't choose!!! The main three from Yuri!!! On Ice

9. Felicity Smoak from Arrow

8. Parker from Leverage

7. Abby from N.C.I.S.

6. Patrick Jane from the tv show The Mentalist. This guy is just something else.

5. Zuko from Avatar: the last Airbender. It was really hard deciding on just one of them, but I finally picked Zuko because of his awesome character development.

4. Hawkeye in The Avengers and all of his movies.

3. Loki in: all his movies.

2. Cisco Ramon from The Flash

1. Sherlock/Sherlock Holmes (they count as one!) - Ronald Howard, and Benedict Cumberbatch!!!

* none of the pictures belong to me, I found them through google.

"...If the world turned upside down..."

OK SO, if you know me then you probably know that I love musicals. They're kinda what my life revolves around...

...almost literally...

Anyway. One of the shows that I'm almost constantly listening to is: Finding Neverland.

Now, I haven't seen it, and though I have listened to it A LOT, I might have some things wrong.

It tells the story of author/playwright J. M. Barrie, and how he came to write the beloved tale of Peter Pan, the boy that never grows up. It covers topics such as self-identity, the rough road of being a writer, and keeping a childlike heart even as you grow older.

The music and lyrics are so beautiful and fun! I love every bit of it. And the cast recording has fabulous performers such as Matthew Morrison, and Laura Michelle Kelly, giving their beautiful voices to the show.


The songs resonate with me, and I feel like I can relate to the characters. I connect to them.


I love it.

You should too.

But if you don't... I'm supposed to say that that's okay, but... is it really?

The Struggle to Find a Reason

I am constantly engaged in a war that demands everything I've got just in order to survive. A war against Depression. And I know that the only outcome will either be that I survive until I die, or that it kills me first. Often times it seems easier to just give up, to surrender. And so I search for reasons to not do so. I burn through them like a gas guzzler, and once a reason is used it might never work again; because this enemy is one that learns and adapts and fights back. I look under every stone, in every bush, down every rabbit hole, along each river, between each known location, and through any microscope, for a reason - for ANY reason - to persevere for a bit longer. Maybe it's that we'll be eating something I love for dinner tomorrow. Or I need to reach the next level in a video game. A friend wants to show me a movie they love. Maybe someone made me promise to at least try to take care of myself. Or I want to see one more full moon.

If you can find even ONE thing that you MUST do, it can save your life.

Or if you want to leave everything behind because of stress. Perhaps thinking about how, in the grand scheme of things whatever it is doesn't matter that much, might help. But be careful with that one, for while it may help with stress it can also make you feel as though YOU don't matter. And like the Doctor said:

But also, the dark side fights back. It doesn't want to survive. And so it will fight just as hard as the part that wants to live. Unless I can defeat it, or at least shut it up for a while. And so far... well... I haven't had much success.

In fact.

It's finding other ways to get me. Instead of telling me to die, it just quiets the voice that tells me to live. I don't sleep, or eat, or take care of myself properly. At all. It's the kind of thing where you stop watching where you're going, you don't ask people to hang out, you don't eat or drink enough, or sleep well, you stop dressing warmly when it's cold and vice versa, you lose track of the days and months even, you don't take your medication. It doesn't look like suicide and that's why it can hide until it has festered into an enormous beast that drags you around by the chain you tried to tie it with.

And that's what I'm fighting against. The monsters that were born, and grew, and trained.

But perhaps the hardest part...

Is that...

The monsters are ME

A Casual Romance

One of my teachers once said, that couples go through the "relationship" stage and then reach "best friend" stage. And I thought how great it would be to just skip the "relationship" part entirely.

Why can't I just fall in love with someone and they fall in love with me and we skip to the best part? I want to cuddle with them, play with their hair, and to fall asleep in each other's arms because we stayed up late talking about life, love, and the universe. I want to slow dance with them, and drink hot chocolate together, and watch the stars. I want to sit side by side and binge our favorite shows, I want to smile at the thought of them, and them to smile at the thought of me. I want to hold hands as we stroll through a park, and I want to have water gun fights, and make meals together, and tease each other. I want to see them nerd out over their favorite things, and to do the same in front of them, I want to see their eyes light up with passion over the phrasing of a sentence in a book, or the fan art they just found, I want to hold them as we deal with the death of fictional characters, and I want to see them grin with joy when their otp becomes canon. I want to play video games and board games and card games with them. I want to surprise them with chocolates, theatre tickets, and fuzzy socks.

Just to fall in love, without it being weird or awkward. To know how you feel about one another, without any guesswork or tiptoeing. Where you both can be who you are without judgement or fear. I want a love that's comfortable, that is never forced or fake, if they don't want a kiss or to cuddle or to watch something with me, I need them to know that they are free to say no. I want life to pass with the two of us side-by-side and us still happy together.

[found on pinterest]

also found on pinterest

I want my true love, to be like my best friend.

My Biggest Lie

I try to be an honest and truthful person. I really do. But there is one lie that always slips through.

"I'm doing well!"

"Things are great!"

"Life is good right now!"

"Better than ever!"

"I'm feeling good today!"

This is probably the deadliest lie I've told, but still it says it's self before I even think, it rearranges it's letters to seamlessly fit each conversation, and I never take it back... I just let the lie ride, because I'm more comfortable doing that than saying "No, actually, I'm not fine, it's just that I'd conditioned myself to say so whenever I was asked, so that no one would ever find out how bad things really were,"

Why is this lie so harmful?

Because it's telling yourself that how you're feeling doesn't really matter, that no one cares anyway, that it's not valid. It's a lie that tears you down, and keeps you locked inside yourself.

I'm an introverted person with a huge, vivid, and rampant, imagination, so I spend a lot of time in my head. And it's fun, it's what I had as a child in order to get through life, but sometimes now it is a nightmare that I can't escape, because of how I view myself, those views bleed through into my imaginary life because I hold all my pain and trouble inside and rarely let it see the light of other people's sight.

I have a terrible urge to shout my past and present hurts from the flat roof of the place that is practically my home, from the sloping roof of the place I live, from the top of the suspension bridge, from the highest rung of the ladder on the water-tower.

And yet. 

I still hide it. 

I still show everyone my happy side

And rarely reveal the darkness

Because that's what I've always done. Smile and wave, but never falter.

I really relate to Elsa from Disney's Frozen. She had a secret which she hid her whole life "Conceal, don't feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know," but once her secret was out she felt free. 'Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone," But then she again was afraid of herself, "Just stay away and you'll be safe from me," afraid that she would hurt people and get hurt again, she is now her own worst enemy "No escape from the storm inside of me," And I really connect to that.

And so there is this battle within myself, of hiding and declaring the truth. And for the moment, look which has won.