Merry Christmas Eve Everyone!!! Warning: this is a long post... sorry.
I really wanted to be profound this Christmas, but the truth is, I'm not profound, so it's not likely you'll ever hear any great beads of wisdom come from my brain. Even so, I'm going to talk and hope that something good comes out.
This Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas where I live - It was 75 and sunny yesterday - so I'm finding it hard to get into the spirit of it all. Lately I've seen everyday the same, I've lost track of holidays, and special occasions, and I wish that I wouldn't.
I'm growing older in a way that I don't want to. I used to be blithe and youthful in my soul, but now I'm slowed and wrinkly.
Christmas is the time of giving and receiving, but I want to instead (at the risk of saying the same thing I've said before) say how thankful I am for what I already have. I have a roof over my head, I have a comfy bed, I have food to eat, I have clothes to keep warm, I have belongings, but most of all, I am grateful for the good people in my life. A mother that strives to take care of us, siblings that have made me smile (though they've also made me groan), and friends that have helped me more than they realize. Without you all, my life wouldn't be right.
Don't waste your life. Tell someone what they mean to you. Make every year a great year. Have a Christmas Pajama Party! Make sure not to give your kids the spiked eggnog. Kiss someone under the mistletoe. Slow dance in the snow. Tell ghost stories by the light of the Christmas tree. Spend the morning tucked under your favorite blanket. Make hot chocolate. Bake cookies. Be goofy. BE HAPPY. Life is too short to waste time, so make the most of EVERY moment.
To me the perfect Christmas day would be one where I spend the day with my closest friends, singing and laughing, where you can feel the love and be genuinely happy. Outside the snow would be falling and friends would be calling "yoo-hoo!" This song pretty much sums everything up perfectly.
In other news: I was tagged by Deborah O'Carroll at Road Of A Writer, to do this Christmas tag! Which I kinda forgot about...
The Rules:
Post the picture on your blog. (Nobody knows what picture this was.)
Answer the questions.
Tag up to 12 bloggers.
Make up 10 questions for the other bloggers. (This one seems to be pretty optional.)
The Questions:
1. What is your favourite Christmas treat?
Peppermint Bark? Maybe... I don't know... I love all kinds of treats.
2. Are there any special traditions that your family has to celebrate Christmas?
No... not really... Sometimes we'll have German food.
3. How do you normally celebrate Christmas?
Get up whenever, open presents together, eat, use (or whatever) the gifts we got, maybe go somewhere to celebrate with others.
4. Do you enjoy getting presents for your friends and family? Do you buy your gifts or go the homemade route?
I'm not good at giving gifts... but it is enjoyable. I usually would buy the gifts, because I'm not talented enough to make them.
5. Is it cold where you live? Have you ever had a white Christmas?
No it is not. I think we had one once... ten years ago...? When we moved here, and maybe one or two since then.
6. What’s on your Christmas list this year?
Not much of anything. I love books and music, so, books and music.
7. What’s your favourite Christmas song?
I can't pick a favorite because I love so many, but right now I am listening - on repeat - to Relient K's Merry Christmas, Here's To Many More. Which I put above.
8. What is your favourite Christmas memory?
I don't really have one.
9. W hat does your Christmas Tree look like?
Blue lights, strings of silver beads, pink "icicles" (which is simply stringy shiny stuff), with baubles of white, sliver, and red, snowmen and angel ornaments, blue bells, and a golden angel topper.
10. What are you reading in December? (Anything festive?)
Mostly just some Manga, but also the second book in Rick Riordan's "The Kane Chronicles". Nothing festive.
11. Are you an organised little elf or are you still shopping/preparing on Christmas Eve?
I am not organized, but I'm also not much involved with the shopping.
12. How early do you start to get into the Christmas spirit?
Usually it would be sometime in July, but this year I still haven't gotten into the spirit of it.
13. Do you make any Christmas crafts? Decorations? Send physical Christmas cards?
Sometimes... Sometimes... Sometimes...
14. What’s the menu for Christmas Day?!
I don't know!
15. What makes it FEEL like Christmas for you? (Weather, specific tradition, food, smell, person, etc.?)
It's a combination of things but the weather is a big factor.
16. Do you have relatives coming? Excited? Nervous?
No.
17. What famous Christmas character do you most identify with? (Scrooge, Elf, Tiny Tim, the Grinch, Santa, etc.)
I don't know, there aren't many characters period that I can really identify with.
18. If you were to start a new Christmas tradition, what would it be?
I can't think of anything new... dancing! I would make Christmas Dances a tradition.
19. What Christmas movies do you like to watch this time of year or what’s your favorite?
"Home Alone" and "Home Alone: Lost In New York" are the ones we usually watch.
20. What’s your favorite Christmasy book or book with a favorite Christmasy part?
I haven't read many Christmasy stories, so I guess I have to say A Christmas Carol.
Tag Time:
I don't know 12 bloggers so I'm just gonna say, that anyone who wants to, can consider themselves tagged. And It's almost 3:00 AM so I'm too tired to write new questions.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was disappointed and I spent most of the day feeling like I had failed. My mom and I went to get coffee, and while sitting at the tiny outdoor table I wrote this:
You know when you hit the very bottom of the pit of despair, and you see a way out, but you choose to stay? Why? Why do we opt to remain in a place of misery, when we could just climb out the exit? What is it about pain/grief/sadness that we can get so addicted to? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I? Why do I?
I was absolutely miserable. I needed to prove myself, and I felt that I failed, flopped. "Prove yourself to whom?" You ask. Well... TO ME! I need to show myself that I am not a failure.
Through out the day, I would occasionally try to calm myself and see things from a better point of view, but I always stopped myself... I wanted to be miserable... I wanted to feel horribly, it was like I had become addicted to the pain... it scares me to think about how I felt.
Something I have always thought, is that no matter how painful emotions became, I would never want to give them up. But yesterday, I wanted to stop feeling. I tried to. And I somewhat succeeded. After a time I managed to shut down part of me. I suddenly was able to understand the way that so many story villains feel - or how they came to not feel.
I saw a possible future me, and she is not something that I want to happen, but in that moment, it looked tempting. I learned a lot about myself yesterday. Looking back on it is interesting and frightening.
Thankfully today - due to sleep and some words from my brother - I am in a better frame of mind, and I realize that the thing I was so upset over, actually went well. True, I may not have accomplished the goal I wanted, but I got farther than I might have.
A big part of my mind is insecurity about my talents and abilities - in my eyes, my One talent is singing - and I still feel that way mostly, but now I realize that what little I have acomplished may be more than just a little. Maybe I actually did something that is worth recognizing, something that not just anyone can do.
I don't know why exactly I'm sharing this... I guess I just needed to say how I feel. I have a hard time telling people things face to face, but adding the wall of internet somehow helps.
So whatever problems you have, try to stay positive, because you don't want to get stuck in the pit of despair.
