Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Life Update 6/25/19

Hello my poor forgotten blog. At this point I'm not even going to apologize, it's happened too many times for a sorry to cut it.

Here I am! The usual mess.
Believe it or not I have actually been doing more than ignoring this outlet. I have spent more time out of the house meeting with friends (even acquaintances and almost-strangers!), in addition to my everyday fare of worrying about the future, agonizing about my own "failures" and wishing I would get my act together. I now have my driver's licence, which has made my life more interesting and opportunities more reachable. For instance, I recently got to be in a model in a Pride bodypaint photoshoot by the skillful Justin O'Keith, something that I had never hoped I could do.

This summer I will be going to my first con! Anime Fest in Dallas. I am very excited about it, and I need to get started on my cosplay.

I also have been finding more music, current favorites are:

  • iRobot by Jon Bellion
  • Bad Guy by Billie Eilish
  • Bury a Friend by Billie Eilish
  • Starlight Brigade by TWRP and Dan Avidan

Less pleasant things in my life include people starting drama within the community theatre. I won't go into details but person A is abusing their power to keep person B (a nice, helpful person) from being cast, even though A has knowingly cast abusive people in shows that their victims are involved in. I am beyond frustrated and honestly I wish I had the guts to expose it all.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Artist Highlight: Amber

She is beautiful, talented, funny and just so cool. She is Amber Liu. I am a wee bit obsessed with her and her voice. She is a member of the kpop band F(X) and also does her own solo music. Learn about her, love her, appreciate her. 

Amber Josephine Liu (born September 18, 1992), known professionally as Amber or Amber Liu, is a Taiwanese American singer, rapper, songwriter and composer. She is a member of the South Korean girl group f(x). She also debuted as a solo artist in February 2015 with the release of her EP, Beautiful.

In an article about her latest album Rouge Rouge:

Musically, the first thing that really caught my ear about Rogue Rouge was that there's no rapping in this and you've always been known as "the rapper."
It's always been in me, but I'm not a rapper. I'm a singer. I rap, but I don’t consider myself a rapper. I love songwriting and rap is part of my songwriting, but I'm not a rapper. I just love singing, I love narrations, I love using my voice. It's been nearly 10 years being in this industry and I still get people who say, "She's hard, she's strong, she's so brave." No! I'm really scared of everything, I'm very, very emotional, I'm extremely soft! If you say something to me I'll be thinking about that until I go home. I wanted to be like, "Guys, I'm not who you think I am." I wanted the ability to be me.

She is recognized for her masculine/androgynous style, and to be honest that's what made me first look into her, I was confused about her gender identity and did some google searches to learn about her. She identifies as female, but loves her own style and uses it to help break down the walls of gender roles.

^ Seriously, how cute and fun is that song and video! ^

Amber, thank you for being awesome!

^ this is the video that made me google her ^

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Power in Music - my Pump Up playlist

Music can be very powerful, and can be used in many different way to buffer different emotions. Today I will be sharing my Pump Up playlist, it's made up of songs that consistently pump me up in a positive manner. Songs that energize me and give me the drive to move and work. Some of them are inspirational, fun, and some are just outright goofy and/or involve specific fandoms.

{*some songs will contain swearing}

I'd Rather Be Me - Mean Girls 
  the spotify version is clean, the original song has a cuss word

Defying Gravity - Wicked

Moving On - Good Charlotte

*All The Way (I believe in Steve) - the Gregory Brothers, aka Schmoyoho

The Muffin Song (asdfmovie) - the Gregory Brothers, aka Schmoyoho

Life Is Fun - Boyinaband, TheOdd1sOut

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

  the covers by Pentatonix and Panic At The Disco are also amazing

We Are All Batpeople - the Gregory Brothers, aka Schmoyoho

DFTBA - Hank Green 

This list is always going to be updated when I find another song to add, but this is where it's currently at.
Let me know what you have on your pump up playlist, and have a wonderful day!

Thursday, July 12, 2018

In A Funk

Every artist and likely every human at some point or another gets caught in a rut, a place of confusion, a funk. And while knowing that it's normal is comforting it doesn't do anything to bring you out of it.

I've been stuck for a while now, unsure of what to do or pursue. I know the things I love but I'm pestered by the doubts of my abilities and the struggles of life tell me that I can't survive on what I want. And still there things I want to try that maybe I'll love even more than what I already know about. I can't see the future and I don't even have any guesses, I've been trained by my experiences to not look too far ahead except in fear because the danger is now and I might never arrive at the time I'm dreaming of. I've tried to be positive I've tried being neutral but nothing keeps my head above the waves, I can't swim and I'm no where near the shore. So I flounder between ideas and ideals, knowing any second now I will drown. I wanted to be a writer, a filmmaker, an actor, a singer, a dancer, and artist of all trades... but now I'm just scared, I don't know how to focus or what to focus on, I'm practically penniless, and hate being dead-weight but I'm terrified of moving to a challenge that might be a lifesaver because I also can see it as a life-ender. They say what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, but never told me what to do if it could kill me. So I stay in uncomfortable stasis, waiting for sign or miracle. I don't expect anyone to save me and I'm not sure I would want them too, because once again I would feel indebted to someone else and unable to return the favor.

So, that's where I'm at right now... unable to figure out what to do with myself, and stressed to Halifax and back. I sincerely hope you all are doing better than I am!

Until next time my readers, take care and have fun.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

June 2018 - Pride

Sup, everyone! It is June, also known as Pride Month! A month dedicated to - among other things - celebrating the LGBTQ+ community! And as a very queer person I am very happy about this, because lgbtq+ people are still suffering under a lot of hate and ignorance from all sides and having a whole month where we can celebrate who we are and the true allies renew vows of support, it's a beautiful thing.

I personally am a Genderfluid, Panromantic, Asexual! And I'm happy about it. 

This month has sparked a huge amount of beautiful art and loving words, and it's enormously encouraging and uplifting... I get emotional over it all.
My celebrations have been pretty quiet, watching Queer Eye being the main part, and also making plans for lgbtq+ art and clothing that I want to make.

So have a happy pride month, no matter who you are! Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Poly, Pan, Ace, Aro, Demi/Grey, Trans, Agender, Nonbinary, Genderfluid, or anything else.

Respect others and respect yourself. 

Fly your flags, sing out, wear rainbows or whatever you feel most comfortable in! And enjoy this collection of images I found on the internet!

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

The Forgetful Wordsmith

I am back after another long unplanned hiatus!

I keep disappearing partly because my life - while very busy - is pretty boring, and partly because I am super forgetful. I simply forget about half of the things in my life. Including, to write posts.

But I am back! for now And I have a quick update on what is going on in my life!

For the second half of May I will be on a trip with my college, to London and Edinburgh! I'm enormously excited for that! As you might know - if you know me at all - I have dreamed of going to England for as long as I can remember.

I took a drawing class this semester and I feel that I have made progress in Learning To See (our drawing motto). 

I got a haircut! I now look like a non-binary brit, which is very pleasing. And I am the most comfortable and confident in my appearance that I have ever been!

I'm still struggling to eat enough and I have lost 20 pounds in the past 12 months, which has affected the fit of my clothes, making them a bit big.

But some more good news is that my mental health has been mostly stable and in a good place!

Now have some pictures of my work and life!

Friday, February 23, 2018

Actually Good

Hey everyone,

For the last week or so I have been experiencing something that is a bit of a phenomenon in my life... Feeling, good; actually good. I'm happy and for the first time in a long time I'm not just content to live, I want to live.

It's incredible, and I can hardly believe it. I had long ago begun to doubt that I would ever feel this way again, much less, feel it consistently for over a week.

I'm not suddenly an optimist, or thinking that I'm "fixed" or "healed" I simply can smile instead of cry as I fall asleep, and I can go to class with less dread weighing me down.

I have hope for the future. And I want to see life happen.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Dear Self (#3)

[this series was in part inspired by the musical Dear Evan Hansen, at the end of which Evan writes: "Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why. Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." it's a beautiful show with a beautiful message that I try to take to heart every day]

Dear Self,

Today is looking like it will be a good day, and here's why:
You went to sleep last night, and let Indy stay with you - it's not often that you've been able to get one of the cats to snuggle - all night long. Waking with her curled up on my legs was a welcome start to the day.
You'll be going dancing later! I know how much you/I love that. So don't forget to get ready.
You've been doing very well the past few days, and I'm proud of you. Please keep up the good work.
You have plans to work on the art homework, but don't stress too much over it, you've got this.


Friday, February 2, 2018

Dear Self (#2)

[this is a series that I am making to remind myself of the good things in life, and to tell myself that I have value even when I can't see it. I hope that you can also take comfort from it.] 

Dear Self,

Today has been good and will most likely continue as such. You allowed yourself to show passion for something that is often undervalued - that is more admirable than you realize; and through talking of your passion, you were shown talents and skills that you have learned and are still mastering, but that are not easy, and are well worth valuing in yourself. Don't lose the flame of passion, don't let others succeed in attempts to snuff it out, and remember that as a flame needs oxygen so does love and passion, bear it proudly, don't hide it away in the caverns of yourself that were carved by trauma and sorrow, for nothing good can flourish there forever. That passion will warm you when you are cold and feed you when you are hungry, it will burn away the cages that you find yourself in. Trust it, care for it, and let it see the world.
But also, passion isn't the only thing that gives you value. I know it's hard to see, but you are loved and you are helpful and you are worthy of the affection you so earnestly yearn for. You are and will give back to the world, and when the time is right every one - even you/I - will see that.

With wholehearted sincerity,

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Dear Self (#1)

Dear Self,
Today was a good day and here’s why:
You didn't have a panic attack.
You didn't have a bad depressive episode.
The weather was pleasant, and comfortable.
You and your scene partner did well in Acting class.
You spent some time with a good friend.
You did well in Drawing, and were given praise for it.
You had good interactions with people.
You were open about yourself.
You ate meals.
And you did well in remembering that these things matter to you and therefore they matter.
~ Fondly For The Possibly First Time, Your Self