Feel Numb

If you fight to live with depression, you know how it is. Hours, days, or weeks when you don't feel, or everything is so numb that you just don't register emotions.
It's difficult to carry on on days like that. But for me, I force myself to keep going anyway, because of my anxiety telling me that if I don't, I'll be letting everyone down.

Numbdays are a sludge to move through, and that's how I feel right now actually. I can hardly type this, because my mind isn't processing sentences quickly enough, and i'm forgetting how to spell. And I don't have the drive to say anything, or to work, or do anything at all. It's like being a mold for a concrete made of boredom. I just sit frozen, staring off into space, the only movement is my breathing and an occasional twitch in my neck or knee. My hands feel too heavy to lift, and if my mind is working at all then it's a prisoner screaming at the guard. Days like this, I don't even eat or drink. My stomach could be rumbling loud enough for everyone to hear, but it doesn't move me. The ringing in my ears will climb higher and higher in volume, but I won't turn on music to drown it out.

I just sit, in pain and apathy.

I honestly don't know how I'm managing to write at all right now. it's more than I usually am capable of.

I've been browsing Netflix for something but selecting nothing, looking up comics I used to read but ignoring them as soon as they are found, looking through the games I have but not feeling able to rise to the challenge that I've always craved.

I close my eyes for a moment and already cannot open them again. I feel my head slump forward so slowly that a snail would be bored, until my chin hits my chest. I'm uncomfortable but can't shake myself back into the world of the living.

What Makes You Passionate

Do you ever just get excited over something? The kind of excited where you can't be quiet and you want to jump up and down and wave your arms and scream incoherently? If so, good! That's awesome!
Is it something crazy? Popular? Everyday? Unusual? Silly?

Well today I'm going to mention something that makes me crazy enthusiastic

CHAIRS.

when used in theatre or dance, chairs can be surprisingly powerful and versatile

from the angle at which they sit, to the way you sit on them,

whether it's one solitary chair, or a whole lot of them

if they match or not, what color(s) they are, do they have cushions, are they covered

wood, metal, plastic

if they are in a line, or a circle

if they are even upright, if they are hung from the ceiling, or have a broken leg

each thing has a different feel, a different atmosphere, or vibe

you can move them around, stand on them, hold them over your head, trip on them, jump over them

stack them, break them, fold them, spin them, 

there are so many ways to use a chair. and that excites me a lot.

They are used in Hamilton, and Come From Away, and they way they are used is beautiful

Four years ago, I never would have guessed that I'd be PASSIONATE about chairs. But here I am. And I'm never going back. 

Things I'm Grateful For

Don't get worked up, I know that Thanksgiving has passed already! ;)

But the thing is, Thanksgiving has always been a bit weird for me. Most people take the day to focus on being grateful of things they take for granted... but growing up poor, abused, and isolated, gives you a higher appreciation for everything good, and you don't tend to take things for granted. So... I've always kinda thought that it was weird for people to spend ONE DAY a year being ultra grateful.

But! That being said, I do sometimes just want to list some things that are good in my life. And here it is:

British accents - all of them (I find them calming and/or moodlifting)

Theatre

Musicals

Costumes (I think it's really cool that it's acceptable to dress up as almost anything)

Domesticated Cats (seriously. they make life so much better)

Decent Internet Speed

Good Coffee

CATS

Red-heads (so gorgeous) 

Books About Cats

Freckles (I love freckled faces!)

Art In All It's Glorious Forms

Books That Feature Cats

Friends That Let Me Borrow Their Book That Features Cats (thx Margaret!) 

Good SciFi

Little Siblings That Love To Give Hugs

A Math Teacher That Cares About Her Students' Mental Health

Chocolate

The Moments When Your Cat Chooses To Curl Up At Your Feet While You're Drinking Good Coffee And Writing A Blog Post Thanks To Good Internet

Thanks for stopping by! I'm hoping to post more often again. But we'll see. 

The Best/Worst Part Of Being Human

You know the best/worst thing that exists in a human? Emotions. Pure and simple. Scratch that, there's nothing simple and very rarely pure about them...

But I'm more specifically talking about empathy - the ability to feel what someone else is feeling - and caring - when someone else's experiences have an emotional impact on you even though they may not have any "practical" effect. These are what may be affected when you watch a movie or read a book. For instance, if you cried at key moments of 'The Lion King', 'Old Yeller', 'The Fox and the Hound', or 'Big Hero 6'.

Me... I cry a lot. I cry a lot more when it comes to fictional worlds, than my own. But why is that? Why is it that almost every episode of 'Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D', or nearly any song from 'Hamilton' or 'Dear Evan Hansen' will cause tears, but I struggle to consistently feel real emotion when it comes to big events in my own life? 

Although, if I'm depressed enough, it will keep me from feeling anything for the characters that I love.

Being human is such a mixed bag.

Yes we have emotions! 

But...

We have, emotions. 

And sometimes... a lot of times... I hate that about us...

But other times... I get high off of them. Joy... and pain. And as many addictions go... I don't want to give it up. 

But here's the catch: I'm only addicted to pain, if it's someone else's. I will soak up the hurt of anyone I care about, real or fictional, until I am literally overflowing. And I will keep coming back for more, even though I physically ache, my face is stained with the salty tears, my nose is dripping, and my eyes sting. Even though I cannot suffer it quietly, and often bury my face in a pillow to muffle the cries. I will always come back to partake in whatever emotions they have. 

However... if it's my own pain... I will avoid it, hide from it, mask it... anything that I can to forget about it - and it's become so normal that I feel wrong if it's not there in the shadows - or I will allow a part of myself to take over... a part that I don't like showing to people... a piece that doesn't have emotions... unless curiosity counts. And I only let him have control when I am in so much pain that I can no longer function. Because when that's the case, I am always alone. If I let him out when I'm with others... then I don't really know what he'd I'd do. He's manipulative... a man of science and learning... with a much smaller conscience, and a much better poker face. But enough about him. 

When I get invested in something or someone... I tend to do so wholeheartedly. And that makes it hard sometimes... because I get stretched thin. Between this life, and the fictional worlds that I love, I have a hell of a lot to care about, and it gets to be too much every once in a while, but I don't mind.

In conclusion.

Don't make a super intelligent A.I. that will eventually become envious of human's ability to feel. 

The Cruelest of Muses

I am staring at a blank page, the words that had so fervently brought themselves to me have now fled, perhaps in sudden fear of being judged, or maybe they just love to torment me. 

As a writer, this is no marvel but rather something that is quite ordinary and expected. I no longer ask why, only that they  visit again, in hopes that I might tame the wild thoughts and phrases that run rampant in my mind. 

It can be a beautiful thing when they choose to stay by my side, hovering over the keyboard or paper, watching as I bring them from myself into a world that others can also experience. And that is all I ask of them. Let me create an experience. It need not be amazing, or joyous, or uplifting, but simply be. 

I want to make a mark of some kind on the heart, mind, or soul of the one who reads my words. But there are many days when I feel that it is too much to hope for, and that these words of mine will simply go in the eyes and leave the mind in the very next breath, to pass into oblivion and be forgot forever.

And maybe that is, and will always be the case, but until it can be proven, I shall continue to write, with the cruelest of muses before me: 

Hope.

Until next time.

Yours ever, 

           Kayla Rose.

Something Good

Today I got extremely excited over something that I haven't been excited over in a long time... food.

Now I'm guessing that you'll be thinking one of two things: 

1. Why is she excited about food?

or

2. Why isn't she always excited about food?

And well...

I have been struggling with eating enough for about a year now... before that, I could out eat some of my brothers... so the sudden switch has been hard on me both physically and emotionally. I have some wonderful friends that remind me to eat, and to take care of myself, but that doesn't stop the problem. I still mostly only eat once a day, and that one meal usually can't even classify as that. And it's not that I'm not hungry... in fact I'm frequently hungry... I just either don't notice, am too busy to do anything about it, or choose to ignore it. 

Now today mostly consisted of laying in bed and binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. But at 7:30 pm, I suddenly became hungry, and I mean really hungry. So I went to the kitchen and put together the biggest meal that I've made myself in a year: a sandwich using every type of sandwich making that we have, a large muffin, a glass of nestle iced tea, and another glass of earl grey tea. 

I was prancing like Titus Andromedon, and grinning like Kimmy. 

I was so genuinely happy, that I cleared off my desk, and set it with a bed-sheet for a tablecloth and a mug with flower-pens for a centerpiece. And I was reminded of the things I used to do that would make me this happy on a regular basis. Like dressing up, having tea parties, drinking hot tea, and reading all the time. 

Now I know that this one moment isn't going to completely fix me. But maybe it will help... 

Thank you for listening.

P.S. Now I'm about to go eat Ice Cream!

Flowers on a Suit

A poetry piece for you today! Written just now, in response to the actually good day that I had. 

Flowers on a Suit

Chiropractor visit

For the pain in your back

From the injury you had

While doing what you love

A good talk with your therapist 

About your mental health

As you play with watercolors

To calm down and relax

Silk flowers on a suit jacket

That you put there yourself

Applied with a hot glue gun

And arranged randomly

Chilling with your friends

All sitting in one room

Playing video games

And talking about everything

Now at home again

You and your date-mate call

Each doing your own thing

Together at a distance

A good day indeed it was

Happy and relaxing

Productive and rewarding

And as bright as flowers on a suit

~ Kayla

Born This Way

This may be news to some of you, or maybe you already know, but back in April - in honor of my 18th birthday - I officially "came out" though I had been more privately "out" for a while now.

And since June is Pride Month, what better time to write a post about it!

I AM AN ASEXUAL PANROMANTIC!!!!! And I couldn't be happier about it! AND a much more recent discovery revealed that I'm also Genderfluid!

Asexual, Meaning:

•  I do not feel sexual attraction.

Panromantic, Meaning: 

• I can feel romantic attraction to any and all genders.

Genderfluid, Meaning

• My gender identity (not to be confused with gender expression) shifts and flows between 'female,' 'neutral,' and 'male.' So, for example: Yesterday I was female, but a few days ago I was male, and today I'm more in the middle.

There is a type of peace that comes with learning something about yourself, and knowing how to accept it. For a long time I didn't know how to reconcile all this with my faith. But why would a God that says ALL Love is pure and perfect and good, stop and say "but not that Love." 
When I accepted the idea that being something other than "straight" was not a sin, I immediately felt a peace and happiness wash over me that I had never felt before. And a few months after that, I realized that I'm Asexual and Panromantic. It took me much longer to realize my Genderfluidity, and a lot had to happen for me to see it, including:

1. As a child I would fluctuate between tomboy and girly-girl (forms of expression that aren't necessarily linked to gender identity)
2. When planning outfits in my head I would sometimes accidentally envision myself as a guy, but not realize it for a few minutes
3. The fact that I was more comfortable in the guys dressing room, during some shows, and the girls during others.
4. knowing that I still sometimes 100% identify as female, while other times not.
5. when this exchange happened:

Person 1 - "Oh no, I almost broke a nail," runs to take care of the issue

Person 2 - "I'm so glad I'm not a woman right now,"  

Me - "Same here. oh wait..."

SO YEAH! This journey has been wild and terrifying. Terrifying, because of the possible backlash, and wild because it's so not at all who I used to think that I would become. But like I said, I couldn't be happier with who I am!

Fighting For A Dream

Come to think of it, it's a popular theme for movies.

Basically every Disney movie ever.

And just like in those movies, it's not easy. It really is a fight. If life is a war zone, which side will you choose?

The one you believe in? Or the one you think will win?

- - - - - - - - - -

Living in the arts is hard. Whether you are a dancer, a painter, a singer, a musician, an actor... if you are creating art. Likely you are struggling.
I can't speak for you, so I won't try to. But here's my part of the story.

I'm kinda new to this. To the art scene. Though, growing up I drew pictures all the time, and coloring pages were a part of everyday, and dancing in my room was a frequent thing, I wrote stories, and I constantly played games which required nothing more than my imagination - and some variation on elevation. I was creative. But I didn't realize the importance of it all. And I didn't know that it could be a passion. A career.
Now I'm a theatre kid, a costumer, a dancer, an artist. Because now it's a work of passion, that I'm fighting for.
I want to do this, to do art, for the rest of my life. I want nothing else.
I don't have a back-up plan. I know I'll have hard times. I know that it won't pay well. I know what so many people think when they hear that I'm a theatre major.
I'm not naive. I'm not an idiot. I just don't want to be stuck doing something that will drain the life out of me. I want to fight for what I love. And that's art.

I don't know if I'll "succeed" or make it big. I might never be known. But I suppose that I never try then I'm destroying the possibility.
I don't know what I'll create, or even what medium I'll use. I could film something, choreograph something, write something, paint, draw, photograph. I could use wood, metal, water, words, colors, movement, sounds, or light. Or all of the above. Because why limit yourself? If you have something to share then use WHATEVER you want and/or need to use. Don't stop yourself because you think it might not be liked, or it might not turn out well, or you've never done it before. Fear is the prison of art.
Also. Just have fun. Take time to play. Your subconscious mind can be WAY smarter and more talented than your conscious mind. So let it take over. Don't stress. No time spent in art will have been wasted.
And let yourself be YOU. Don't force yourself into some mold that someone else made. Break the rules. Be you. Do you.

My way of smashing the fences, is that I'm going to audition for roles that I actually want and connect to. Instead of what I think I'll be cast as. I want to play the crazy people, the evil people, the hurting people. I want to play parts that were originally written for guys.

I need to follow where my heart is leading. Which may sound like a bad idea. It's definitely a scary one. But I don't know how to live without passion. If i were to do something else... something safer... I really wouldn't be living.

Art is my life. And I wouldn't ask for it any other way. 

My Sleep-Deprived Adventures

[I apologize if none of this makes sense. I'm not exactly in a mental state that is capable of screening my writing.]

Aside from a 45 minute nap yesterday(?) afternoon I have been awake for 37 hours*.

I've had trouble sleeping / had a messed up sleep schedule for quite a while now, and I think that I can safely say that I have tasted sleep-deprivation.
2016 was a crazy year for everyone, and for me it was a continuation plus magnification of the craziness of 2015. For about a year after the beginning of my life and the finding of theatre I held up really well, but then in February 2016 I started getting tired. But did I slow down? No. In fact I did something which I had vowed not to do after doing in the year before: three shows at once. Now, if you aren't familiar with theatre you might not understand the insanity of that so here is a quick diagram illustration.

x + x = X

1 show/production requires X amount of: energy (also seen in the forms of: time, blood, sweat, and tears.)

In order to function your body needs to retain X amount of energy.

And lets say that my life has XXXx of our slowly replenishing resources of the afore mentioned items.  

Most healthy people would have approximately... more than me. And they would spend 1 on work/school, 1 on social life + hobbies, and then if they are in theatre they'll spend 1 on that. 

anywho. I was in 3 shows at the same time. now i don't have a social life or work, but i did have school. so lets do the math (i'm terrible at math AND analogies so hang in there) we have

• Kayla = XXXx  
• 1 show (x3) = XXX
• school (two light semesters) = X
• energy used for life = X

which becomes 

XXXx minus XXXXX 

which means I'm in debt. 

whether that made any sense i don't know.

So what happens when you are awake too long? well according to my five minutes of research, when you reach 36-48 hours of consciousness, you gain appetite (which is actually good for me) some times hallucinate or blur reality with fiction, your powers of memorization get bad, likelihood of making bad decisions goes way up and:

 "One of the things that happens when you're sleep deprived is that your ability to regulate emotions goes haywire. Your brain becomes disorganized in its capacity to process information and your sensitivity to information also get scrambled," says Jason Silva, the host of "Brain Games."**

in my personal experience things have mostly just been silly. I laugh at everything. I play with my face, and in general act like a toddler. my brain jumbles words and letters, my typing is greatly hindered (this writing has been a challenge), my eyes might refuse to focus, and when i sit still i start to lose feeling in my body - not like numbness, but more like my consciousness is withdrawing, leaving behind the molt. I have a few times nearly fallen asleep standing, my mind goes blank and i sway without the ability to do anything about it or even to tell if its real.

people have said that if you are kept awake for too long you will go insane, but i've also heard that the human body will perform a forced restart and make you pass out - much like a sim who wasn't taken care of. so in that case, if you are being forcefully kept awake wouldn't the cause of the not sleeping be the cause of the insanity? and not the act of not sleeping?

{edit} OH YEAH!  I remember now where I was going with the theatre talk. I was gonna say, that I've been sleep deprived since last summer when I nearly destroyed myself with the combination of how much I was doing and how little I was eating and sleeping. I've lived how ever many months with the symptoms but just kept going. Until Christmas when I decided that I wouldn't go back to MCC this semester - which was a good choice, cuz im getting better! I haven't managed to take as much of a theatre break as I had planned though...

SO YEAH.
that was me. rambling on while sleep deprived.



* I went over the math to check my numbers like 10 times.
** apparently there's a great episode of Brain Games that covers this but I wouldn't be able to process it right now, so I'll watch it later.

Favorite Screen Characters tag

Well, I was unofficially tagged for this a very long time ago, but I am only now getting around to posting it.
I am supposed to list my top 10 favorite screen characters.
So here we go!
I'll try to limit it to one character per movie/show.
Alright, in no particular order.
This is REALLY hard.

10. Ugh! I just can't choose!!! The main three from Yuri!!! On Ice

9. Felicity Smoak from Arrow

8. Parker from Leverage

7. Abby from N.C.I.S.

6. Patrick Jane from the tv show The Mentalist. This guy is just something else.

5. Zuko from Avatar: the last Airbender. It was really hard deciding on just one of them, but I finally picked Zuko because of his awesome character development.

4. Hawkeye in The Avengers and all of his movies.

3. Loki in: all his movies.

2. Cisco Ramon from The Flash

1. Sherlock/Sherlock Holmes (they count as one!) - Ronald Howard, and Benedict Cumberbatch!!!

* none of the pictures belong to me, I found them through google.

"...If the world turned upside down..."

OK SO, if you know me then you probably know that I love musicals. They're kinda what my life revolves around...

...almost literally...

Anyway. One of the shows that I'm almost constantly listening to is: Finding Neverland.

Now, I haven't seen it, and though I have listened to it A LOT, I might have some things wrong.

It tells the story of author/playwright J. M. Barrie, and how he came to write the beloved tale of Peter Pan, the boy that never grows up. It covers topics such as self-identity, the rough road of being a writer, and keeping a childlike heart even as you grow older.

The music and lyrics are so beautiful and fun! I love every bit of it. And the cast recording has fabulous performers such as Matthew Morrison, and Laura Michelle Kelly, giving their beautiful voices to the show.


The songs resonate with me, and I feel like I can relate to the characters. I connect to them.


I love it.

You should too.

But if you don't... I'm supposed to say that that's okay, but... is it really?

The Struggle to Find a Reason

I am constantly engaged in a war that demands everything I've got just in order to survive. A war against Depression. And I know that the only outcome will either be that I survive until I die, or that it kills me first. Often times it seems easier to just give up, to surrender. And so I search for reasons to not do so. I burn through them like a gas guzzler, and once a reason is used it might never work again; because this enemy is one that learns and adapts and fights back. I look under every stone, in every bush, down every rabbit hole, along each river, between each known location, and through any microscope, for a reason - for ANY reason - to persevere for a bit longer. Maybe it's that we'll be eating something I love for dinner tomorrow. Or I need to reach the next level in a video game. A friend wants to show me a movie they love. Maybe someone made me promise to at least try to take care of myself. Or I want to see one more full moon.

If you can find even ONE thing that you MUST do, it can save your life.

Or if you want to leave everything behind because of stress. Perhaps thinking about how, in the grand scheme of things whatever it is doesn't matter that much, might help. But be careful with that one, for while it may help with stress it can also make you feel as though YOU don't matter. And like the Doctor said:

But also, the dark side fights back. It doesn't want to survive. And so it will fight just as hard as the part that wants to live. Unless I can defeat it, or at least shut it up for a while. And so far... well... I haven't had much success.

In fact.

It's finding other ways to get me. Instead of telling me to die, it just quiets the voice that tells me to live. I don't sleep, or eat, or take care of myself properly. At all. It's the kind of thing where you stop watching where you're going, you don't ask people to hang out, you don't eat or drink enough, or sleep well, you stop dressing warmly when it's cold and vice versa, you lose track of the days and months even, you don't take your medication. It doesn't look like suicide and that's why it can hide until it has festered into an enormous beast that drags you around by the chain you tried to tie it with.

And that's what I'm fighting against. The monsters that were born, and grew, and trained.

But perhaps the hardest part...

Is that...

The monsters are ME