Feel Numb

If you fight to live with depression, you know how it is. Hours, days, or weeks when you don't feel, or everything is so numb that you just don't register emotions.
It's difficult to carry on on days like that. But for me, I force myself to keep going anyway, because of my anxiety telling me that if I don't, I'll be letting everyone down.

Numbdays are a sludge to move through, and that's how I feel right now actually. I can hardly type this, because my mind isn't processing sentences quickly enough, and i'm forgetting how to spell. And I don't have the drive to say anything, or to work, or do anything at all. It's like being a mold for a concrete made of boredom. I just sit frozen, staring off into space, the only movement is my breathing and an occasional twitch in my neck or knee. My hands feel too heavy to lift, and if my mind is working at all then it's a prisoner screaming at the guard. Days like this, I don't even eat or drink. My stomach could be rumbling loud enough for everyone to hear, but it doesn't move me. The ringing in my ears will climb higher and higher in volume, but I won't turn on music to drown it out.

I just sit, in pain and apathy.

I honestly don't know how I'm managing to write at all right now. it's more than I usually am capable of.

I've been browsing Netflix for something but selecting nothing, looking up comics I used to read but ignoring them as soon as they are found, looking through the games I have but not feeling able to rise to the challenge that I've always craved.

I close my eyes for a moment and already cannot open them again. I feel my head slump forward so slowly that a snail would be bored, until my chin hits my chest. I'm uncomfortable but can't shake myself back into the world of the living.

What Makes You Passionate

Do you ever just get excited over something? The kind of excited where you can't be quiet and you want to jump up and down and wave your arms and scream incoherently? If so, good! That's awesome!
Is it something crazy? Popular? Everyday? Unusual? Silly?

Well today I'm going to mention something that makes me crazy enthusiastic

CHAIRS.

when used in theatre or dance, chairs can be surprisingly powerful and versatile

from the angle at which they sit, to the way you sit on them,

whether it's one solitary chair, or a whole lot of them

if they match or not, what color(s) they are, do they have cushions, are they covered

wood, metal, plastic

if they are in a line, or a circle

if they are even upright, if they are hung from the ceiling, or have a broken leg

each thing has a different feel, a different atmosphere, or vibe

you can move them around, stand on them, hold them over your head, trip on them, jump over them

stack them, break them, fold them, spin them, 

there are so many ways to use a chair. and that excites me a lot.

They are used in Hamilton, and Come From Away, and they way they are used is beautiful

Four years ago, I never would have guessed that I'd be PASSIONATE about chairs. But here I am. And I'm never going back. 

Things I'm Grateful For

Don't get worked up, I know that Thanksgiving has passed already! ;)

But the thing is, Thanksgiving has always been a bit weird for me. Most people take the day to focus on being grateful of things they take for granted... but growing up poor, abused, and isolated, gives you a higher appreciation for everything good, and you don't tend to take things for granted. So... I've always kinda thought that it was weird for people to spend ONE DAY a year being ultra grateful.

But! That being said, I do sometimes just want to list some things that are good in my life. And here it is:

British accents - all of them (I find them calming and/or moodlifting)

Theatre

Musicals

Costumes (I think it's really cool that it's acceptable to dress up as almost anything)

Domesticated Cats (seriously. they make life so much better)

Decent Internet Speed

Good Coffee

CATS

Red-heads (so gorgeous) 

Books About Cats

Freckles (I love freckled faces!)

Art In All It's Glorious Forms

Books That Feature Cats

Friends That Let Me Borrow Their Book That Features Cats (thx Margaret!) 

Good SciFi

Little Siblings That Love To Give Hugs

A Math Teacher That Cares About Her Students' Mental Health

Chocolate

The Moments When Your Cat Chooses To Curl Up At Your Feet While You're Drinking Good Coffee And Writing A Blog Post Thanks To Good Internet

Thanks for stopping by! I'm hoping to post more often again. But we'll see.