A Casual Romance

One of my teachers once said, that couples go through the "relationship" stage and then reach "best friend" stage. And I thought how great it would be to just skip the "relationship" part entirely.

Why can't I just fall in love with someone and they fall in love with me and we skip to the best part? I want to cuddle with them, play with their hair, and to fall asleep in each other's arms because we stayed up late talking about life, love, and the universe. I want to slow dance with them, and drink hot chocolate together, and watch the stars. I want to sit side by side and binge our favorite shows, I want to smile at the thought of them, and them to smile at the thought of me. I want to hold hands as we stroll through a park, and I want to have water gun fights, and make meals together, and tease each other. I want to see them nerd out over their favorite things, and to do the same in front of them, I want to see their eyes light up with passion over the phrasing of a sentence in a book, or the fan art they just found, I want to hold them as we deal with the death of fictional characters, and I want to see them grin with joy when their otp becomes canon. I want to play video games and board games and card games with them. I want to surprise them with chocolates, theatre tickets, and fuzzy socks.

Just to fall in love, without it being weird or awkward. To know how you feel about one another, without any guesswork or tiptoeing. Where you both can be who you are without judgement or fear. I want a love that's comfortable, that is never forced or fake, if they don't want a kiss or to cuddle or to watch something with me, I need them to know that they are free to say no. I want life to pass with the two of us side-by-side and us still happy together.

[found on pinterest]

also found on pinterest

I want my true love, to be like my best friend.

My Biggest Lie

I try to be an honest and truthful person. I really do. But there is one lie that always slips through.

"I'm doing well!"

"Things are great!"

"Life is good right now!"

"Better than ever!"

"I'm feeling good today!"

This is probably the deadliest lie I've told, but still it says it's self before I even think, it rearranges it's letters to seamlessly fit each conversation, and I never take it back... I just let the lie ride, because I'm more comfortable doing that than saying "No, actually, I'm not fine, it's just that I'd conditioned myself to say so whenever I was asked, so that no one would ever find out how bad things really were,"

Why is this lie so harmful?

Because it's telling yourself that how you're feeling doesn't really matter, that no one cares anyway, that it's not valid. It's a lie that tears you down, and keeps you locked inside yourself.

I'm an introverted person with a huge, vivid, and rampant, imagination, so I spend a lot of time in my head. And it's fun, it's what I had as a child in order to get through life, but sometimes now it is a nightmare that I can't escape, because of how I view myself, those views bleed through into my imaginary life because I hold all my pain and trouble inside and rarely let it see the light of other people's sight.

I have a terrible urge to shout my past and present hurts from the flat roof of the place that is practically my home, from the sloping roof of the place I live, from the top of the suspension bridge, from the highest rung of the ladder on the water-tower.

And yet. 

I still hide it. 

I still show everyone my happy side

And rarely reveal the darkness

Because that's what I've always done. Smile and wave, but never falter.

I really relate to Elsa from Disney's Frozen. She had a secret which she hid her whole life "Conceal, don't feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know," but once her secret was out she felt free. 'Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone," But then she again was afraid of herself, "Just stay away and you'll be safe from me," afraid that she would hurt people and get hurt again, she is now her own worst enemy "No escape from the storm inside of me," And I really connect to that.

And so there is this battle within myself, of hiding and declaring the truth. And for the moment, look which has won.

My Little Sister

Sometimes in life you discover something that takes a special place in your heart. I have found a great many things, but that doesn't make any of them less precious. Today I am talking about: hugging my little sister.

She and I were in Sweeney Todd together!

My little sister is very capable of being annoying - as younger siblings are - but so is most of the human race, so I don't really fault her for that. And on the other hand, she is generous, loving, gentle, and intelligent. She will greet you with big hugs, share her chocolates, miss you when you're gone, form her own opinions, pray for everyone to sleep well, and do her share of the housework. She is probably the most mature seven-year-old I know.

She loves animals, anime, games, and villains. And her family, especially our mom.

I don't have a lot of free time, and when I do I usually spend it alone in my room. So I have kinda missed seeing my little baby sister - and other siblings - growing up this year.

And the last couple days I got to cuddle with her, and it was wonderful. We sat side-by-side, she played her games and listened to her music, and I browsed pinterest and wrote a blog post. We didn't talk much, but it was still great bonding time.

Today she was 'teaching' me and one of our brothers, 'how to create a dance move'

I love her, and while I'd love for her to stay a little girl, I can't wait to see who she'll become.

An Inner Darkness

My brain has this function where I can see both sides of an argument/thought/idea/ and see the outcomes, for the most part. And while normally I think this would be a good thing, it also effects me when I'm depressed and trying to tell myself things to make me feel better. The problem is that I can have full hypothetical scenarios play out in my head, and while I can see both good and bad, the thing with depression is that the bad usually wins. Today for example: I was relaxing, everything was great, but then I got into a what-if. I was scrolling Pinterest and came across a post about how others are effected by the self-harm and suicide of their loved ones. The purpose of the post was to help us that are in the struggle, by giving us another reason to not self-harm, and to live. But for me, it didn't do that. Instead it spawned a hypothetical scene, where I attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge and was rescued and hospitalized; after messaging a friend to let them know that was I planning it. The me in that made-up situation decided it would be better for them to know - and have them spread the word - instead of me just going missing. While the hospital scenes played out, with people asking why, and trying to convince me to live, saying how much it would hurt everyone, how much I mean, that people need me, I fought back by saying that I don't mean that much, that everyone will be able to move on just fine, that everything would be better off without me, that they'll find someone else that's better than me.

Last week or so, I found an empty box in my room, I grabbed a pencil and wrote on the lid "A Box of Reasons." I then got some paper, and wrote down reasons to live. Most of them are the names of my friends. Some are shows that I'm watching. Some are sweet things that my friends have said. Some are goals of mine. And things I love. My plan was that anytime I am depressed, I can pull out some of those strips of paper and find the courage, find a reason to keep going. But my plan has a flaw. Because while it did give me joy and encouragement, it also gave me thoughts like: "they're wrong about you" "they'd be better off without you" "you won't amount to anything" "you're not good enough for that" "you don't work hard enough for you to actually love doing that" "you're wrong about that" "you can't even make it through a day, how are you going to have a life?"

I am my own worst saboteur. No one hurts me more than me. One reason I don't like being alone is that if I give my brain an inch it will destroy me.

I'm not writing this asking for sympathy. I'm asking for you to understand. Life isn't easy, even when you don't have a mental illness, and life with one can feel downright impossible. So please don't look down on us, or think we are just like you, don't call us liars, don't think that we are just begging for attention.

For some of us, that attention is all that's keeping us away from the edge. Don't assume that because someone smiles a lot and works hard and laughs loud, that they are fine.

Most people think that I am a laid back, happy-go-lucky, without a care in the world, sunshine rainbows and unicorns, kind of girl. But I'm not. This week I choreographed part of a modern dance piece, and showed it to my dance teacher and classmates. I turned off most of the lights, and had no music. It was a dark piece, inspired by the trauma and hardships I've gone through, and how it has left me terrified that it will all repeat again. In the piece I fell a lot (my knees still hurt), and my hair was down and in my face, and I punched the floor and flailed around, my glasses fell off, I ran around, and silently sobbed, and shook, and just when I seemed to be able to stand, I dropped to my knees again, put my head in my hands on the floor, and screamed. I think I made everyone uncomfortable. Because I showed them my inner darkness, when all they had known was a happy girl with a passion for theatre. After I performed that little piece of a dance, I was shaking, my anxiety habit of playing with my hands kicked in, I felt out of breath, and my voice trembled. I forced them all to see a dark and hurting person who was left screaming on the floor. And I forced myself to show it to them. And I felt relieved. After all, it's exhausting to wear a mask 24/7, of a persona so very different from how you truly feel.

Does this mean I'm never happy? No. I often feel happiness, especially when I'm with my friends, or performing in a show. Does this mean that I want to be coddled and have everyone constantly praising me? Hell No. I don't want special treatment, or for people to be extra gentle around me. In fact I want you to be brutally yourself, and speak to and around me with perfect candor. I just want you to be aware of my truth.

I have Depression. I have Anxiety. I have PTSD. They don't own me - though they sometimes take over. But they are a part of me, and now you know.

So... Very... Tired... part... 2...

I'm super tired. I just pulled an all-nighter, and I am actually having trouble typing due to the fact that I'm barely able to move. My head is uncontrollably bobbing around, and my limbs feel sorta numb... and I have class all day today! *sarcastic voice* This will be fun!

I just hope I survive.

Seriously y'all. Don't be me. Don't do something crazy exhausting for two years without a break and then top school on as well. I might not make it, but at least you can learn from my mistakes! Not-jokes aside, I have really enjoyed most of the last two years, but there are definitely moments when I wish I hadn't been so overzealous. I'm dead tired.

If I survive, you'll hear from me again! ...eventually...

Good day!

20 questions that will reveal my true self?

Here are 20 questions that will reveal my true self...?

I got this list from Power of Positivity

Self discovery is something that I guess you could say I'm obsessed with. I want/need to know who I am, in order to truly be me...

that might not have made sense...

This list is going to involve me being very vulnerable, but if that's what it takes then I'll do it. So please respect and understand that this may reveal sides of me that you hadn't seen before.


Let's dive right in shall we?

20 QUESTIONS TO ASK SOMEONE THAT WILL 

REVEAL THEIR TRUE SELF

1. What’s your life motto, or philosophy you live by? 

I am a bit like Sally Brown, finding new philosophies by the day.

Some of them are:

• Do no harm, take no s***
• Everything happens for a reason
• Don't cry over spilled milk, but if you cry don't feel bad about the tears
• Don't let anyone control you
• Never be ashamed of who you are - unless you are harming others.

2. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

Well to be honest... I don't particularly like myself... but... I guess... maybe the way my voice sounds when I sing Evanescence songs. 

3. Do you follow a religion or spiritual practice?

I'm a Christian

4. What was the best time of your life?

i don't know. 

5. What was the worst thing that ever happened to you?

well... this one is kinda hard. I lived under abuse from my dad for 15 years. so it's kinda hard to pick one thing. but i think it would be when my family had to leave the church that was my whole world. all my friends went there and it was where i felt at home. in an instant everything that mattered most to me was torn away - because of my dad's actions during the church service that morning - and i don't think i'll ever fully recover from that. 

6. What’s your biggest dream?

Being known for my acting

7. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

a doctor, or beautician, or an astronomer, or a deep sea marine biologist, or a herbal botanist, or a writer, or an actor.

8. What was/is your biggest accomplishment?

Playing Ariel in The Little Mermaid jr. / surviving 

9. Why do you think we’re all here?

that is an excellent question

10. What was your best relationship?

If this is about romantic relationships I have nothing to say there, because I've never been in one. But I have a lot of friendships that mean the world to me. 

11. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

Make love stronger

12. Do you like your job? If not, what would you like to do instead?

I currently don't have a job. I need to get one...

13. What are your favorite hobbies?

hobbies... drawing and reading

14. If money was no object, what would you do in life?

I would travel the world. I would help my community theatre grow. I would go see broadway shows and other big productions. I would buy a house in Southern California. I would eat how I want to. I would live in NYC and audition for shows for a while. I would make, buy, and support art

15. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I doubt it. I really don't think that I have that power.

16. What are you thankful for?

My friends. Without them, I probably wouldn't still be here.

17. What do you wish people understood more about you?

Well... kinda everything... that I'm a wildly varied person. That I feel very deeply and feel everyone's pain. That I have depression and anxiety, and just because I can hide it most of the time doesn't mean that it isn't severe. That I'm an asexual, and that it's not "just a phase."

18. If you could turn back time and do anything differently, would you?

There is one thing I did a couple months ago that I might change... but it's too personal to go into details... no... I said I'd be vulnerable... I told my crush that I liked him. I think I might want to go back and take back my words. Because of the confusion and pain and vulnerability and heartache that followed. However... it's really best not to want to change anything. Just learn how to deal with and make the most of the consequences. I mean, everyone has someone break their heart at some point. Though I've been broken-hearted before, this was the first time that it was in this situation. But anyway, I usually live by the philosophy that everything happens for a reason, and it's not something to try and change.

19. What’s the craziest, or most exciting thing you’ve ever done?

Heh, my life hasn't had a lot of crazy exciting things, so I guess the answer is riding roller-coasters. I love roller-coasters! And they definitely get my adrenaline going.

20. What do you think about most often?

I'm not sure that there is just one thing... I think about a lot... life and death... what show is coming next... how much work I'm behind on... how I'm a burden to everyone... how much I want to play various roles... how people don't understand asexuality... how much I love my friends, and how I might very well be dead without them... I guess my friends are what occupy my thoughts the most.

____________


Well... that was interesting for me. It got me thinking about a lot.

Did you learn anything new about me? Or about yourself? Tell me what you think! If you write a post, filling this out for yourself, put a link in the comments! I'd love to learn about you.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

...so...very...tired...

Well ladies and gents, I completely failed in keeping up the October challenge, due to being crazy busy and exhausted. I was in a production of Sweeney Todd, and my college dance concert, and I am now in a Christmas talent showcase of sorts.

Sweeney Todd went very well, and was a lot of fun! Sondheim is a musical genius. I made new friends! One cast member - how was also in charge of set changes - got his hand smashed on the second to last performance, I was his second in command, so I then had to take charge to make sure everything happened and all his moves got covered. But it was all good in the end! His hand is recovering, and i got experience in on the spot problem solving.

The dance show also went well, and I have two very bruised knees to show for it!

October was also a month in which I was very depressed a lot, which made everything even harder to do.

So I apologize for disappearing yet again. I am starting to come to grips with that just being how I am. I will work on it. But for now, I'm a frequently AWOL blogger.

Goodnight all! I will try to have another post up soon!

Agents and Assassins, Beautiful Books

So, I haven't really talked about my writing in quite a while, so I'm going to participate in Beautiful Books! The blog link-up for writers, hosted by Further Up And Further In. If you don't know what it is go over there to read the rules. I'm too lazy to type them out right now...

So here we go. I'm going to use my WIP 'Agents and Assassins'.

1. What inspired the idea for your novel, and how long have you had the idea? Actually, I was watching Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time, a couple of years ago, and I got the idea for a scene with a mysterious woman in black and a clueless hero arguing in a desert, so I wrote that scene and the story branched off from there. :)

2. Describe what your novel is about! It is about a very average young man named John Fletcher, and how he meets an easily upset young woman - who happens to be a secret agent - and gets swept up in a crazy adventure to stop an evil mastermind

3. What is your book’s aesthetic? Use words or photos or whatever you like! Check out my pinterest board: Agents and Assassins

none of the images are mine, i found them on pinterest

ditto the previous caption

I made this on Polyvore

4. Introduce us to each of your characters! The main characters are: John Fletcher 21-year-old photographer, ran away from home on his best friend's airplane, a bit clueless and apathetic, does as he's told. Naya Law; easily angered, young woman, hates incompetence, been an agent since teen years. Cary Hitchcock; friendly, focused, young man, agent, captain of the team that Naya is on. Gigi Taylor, (I haven't written her yet, but she is awesome. No one is allowed to know anything about her just yet.). 

5. How do you prepare to write? (Outline, research, stocking up on chocolate, howling, etc.?) I usually hang out with the characters in my head and watch them in my imagination until I have enough material to work with for a while.

6. What are you most looking forward to about this novel? The twists. And the emotional and/or dark scenes. I love these characters, so I'm looking forward to spending time with them. :)

7. List 3 things about your novel’s setting. Planes. Deserts. Secret bases.

8. What’s your character’s goal and who (or what) stands in the way? John's goal is to stop the evil mastermind. What stands in his way is the fact that he is untrained and doesn't have the knowledge or skill necessary.  

9. How does your protagonist change by the end of the novel? He becomes an agent (maybe), and gets more emotionally balanced.

10. What are your book’s themes? How do you want readers to feel when the story is over? I guess the themes are: Working through hardship. Friendship. Learning to live with a great sorrow. Helping others though trauma. 

I want readers to be inspired to reach their goal. Whether that goal is saving the world, or saving a friend, or saving themselves. 

Thank you for coming on this adventure with me! 

And if you're new to my blog, be sure to have a look around, and drop me a comment!

See you later! 

Day 7: Kayla's 31 Days Of October Challenge, continues.

I feel as though I need to explain a couple things about this challenge. The books I that I'm posting about, I have read, but am not currently reading, I'm not trying to read a book in a day (even I'm not that good).
I guess that was the only thing...

And so it continues!
Day 6:

A Damsel in Distress by P.G. Wodehouse

Day 7:

The Young Carthaginian by G.A. Henty

I didn't post yesterday because I by the time I had the time I was really struggling with depression, and I couldn't type. But I'm better at the moment, so yay! I can put this up now!

Later today I will be dressing up as this guy!:

For something or other, I don't really understand, but it's to support the arts so I'm game.

Have a wonderful day everyone!

#kaylas31daysofoctoberchallenge

5 out of 31 - October Challenge

Day 5 Of: Kayla's 31 Days Of October Challenge!

(so far, I'm the only one doing this... oh well...)

Today's book is a 'riches-to-rags-and-back-to-riches' story about a little girl with a very strong imagination.

A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett:

#kaylas31daysofoctoberchallenge

And today's clothing ensemble:

In other news... well... there really isn't any other news... I'm exceedingly busy, and kinda very worn out. And at this particular moment, I'm struggling emotionally... nothing out of the ordinary, but it's still tough to deal with.

Are any of y'all going to be participating in NaNoWriMo this year?

I plan on it, but I haven't decided what I'll be working on.

Day 4: Double The Fun!

Kayla's 31 Days Of October continues! And today you get double the fun! (Because I missed posting yesterday...)

Sorry for that. I was not home, therefore unable to get it ready and done.
I guess I really ought to just have these pre-prepared... but how much more fun is it to just make it up as you go along? Answer: A lot.

So here are yesterday's and today's:

Books:
Oct 3rd - Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Oct 4th - The House At Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne

Polyvore sets:

Let me know what you think! And if you have any questions, be sure to put them in the comments!
See you tomorrow!
#kaylas31daysofoctoberchallenge

Day 2 - October's 31 Days

Day 2 of the Kayla's 31 Days Of October Challenge!
And just to be clear, there is no deadline if you want to join me in doing this. You can start at anytime.

Today's Book: The Fault In Our Stars - by John Green
This book is so good! As soon as I finished it I wanted to start it over. And so I expect I will be re-reading very soon.

And Today's Polyvore Set:

I am enjoying this very much. Maybe it will help me with getting blog inspiration.

Anyway! Just so you aren't getting a tiny post everyday, I will also be sharing my thoughts on things, or sharing info on my characters, because I realize that I haven't talked about any of my stories in quite some time.

Here's a few sentences about October:

"October Second" the calendar declared, not quite as excitedly as it had said "October First" but with more cheer than it would say "October Third."
The coffee mug on the counter giggled about the falling leaves, and the candle on the table sang of apples and pumpkins.



If you have any questions you want to hear my answer to, please put them in the comments and I will answer them in the next post.

October's 31 Days

On this, the first day of October, I have an announcement of sorts.

feel free to steal this image to use on your own blogs
I made it using Pixlr

I am creating a challenge called Kayla's 31 Days of October.
Here are the rules:

• Step 1 - pick a topic e.g. books, music, art, movies, people, food, etc...
• Step 2 - every day post a picture of, or, write a blog post about something related to your topic and mark it with the hashtag #Kaylas31DaysOfOctoberChallenge 
• Step 3 - if you write a blog post for the challenge, put a link to it in the comments!

I will be participating using two topics, books - on Instagram - and Polyvore clothing sets that I'll be putting together. And then I will use my blog to show both in one place.

Today's Polyvore outfit:

And the book of the day: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and other stories - by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Loved and Lost

Words that are so frequently quoted that I fear that people no longer stop to think it through before they just simply agree... 

It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

I don’t know what was going through the mind of Tennyson when he wrote that. I don’t know the context of that phrase. Or if he meant it. Or if he was speaking only for himself; or for the whole of humanity.

It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

I disagree. For to love, is to hurt. And I don't like pain. You may try to argue with me, but believe me, all loves hurt, if only when the object of that love leaves, or dies, or in any other way ends.  But love will continue on - except maybe for the lucky ones, where it was the love and not the object that died, but then... can that really be called love? - it will stubbornly continue to make life difficult, and sometimes downright miserable. How can it be better to live with pain, when the other choice is: never feel the joy that causes the pain.

It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

Even temporary separation hurts, only when you are with someone you love are you likely to feel the happiness.

On the other hand, perhaps "better" is not something for me to decide or understand. Maybe there is something to be gained that I have not discovered... 

I wouldn't give up love now that I have it, but I think I would rather never to felt it at all. For without love, there is no pain, no fear. 

But is a painless life worth living?

Is a love-filled life worth hurting over?

Do I love? Yes. I love a lot of people. And I don't love halfheartedly... so perhaps that is why it hurts. Perhaps that is why I'm scared. Scared of "loved and lost". Scared of being the only one to fall. Scared of being the last one to lose. 






[If you gained any knowledge or pleasure from this, please share with your friends, family, acquaintances, school mates, co-workers, stalkers, pets, etc...]

Here goes nothing...

Do you have something to live for?

It's not a simple question. At least, to me it's not. But it's one that should be asked.

Without a reason to live... 

well...

we'll die.

Maybe not physically die. Maybe someone can trudge through life, without ever living... but to me, that sounds like hell.

Do you have someone live for?

I do... in fact... without these very special someones, I honestly don't think I'd still be here... They are the reason that I don't want to die... they are my reason for fighting the depression, the reason I don't give in. They show me the joy in life, and the worth in having a passion.

Yeah, I love what I do, but... what matters more to me: 

Is who I do it with.

Without them, the fire within me would have starved... a long time ago... possibly before most of you even knew me.

They are my survival. 

So I hope they realize just how much they mean to me...

And I hope they believe me when I say...

That I love them.

And I will forever thank God that I know them... that they are in my life.

I couldn't stand to lose them. 

So if I ever tell you that you aren't allowed to die. Or that dying first is my job.

Know that I'm not joking. 

~ Kayla Rose Arnold

I just googled 'most beautiful picture of space'

the photos are not mine. I got them off of google

...Something... and an announcement...

Hey y'all!
I have done a lot more resting lately, which means my occasionally great eloquence is starting to return to me; SO maybe I will start writing magnificent posts on deep and quizzical topics! But until that happens, you'll just have to be satisfied by this kind of post.

What have I been up too?

I have recently been listening - almost exclusively - to the band Twenty One Pilots. I love all of their songs but some of my favorites are 'Car Radio' 'Heathens' 'Stressed Out' 'Ode To Sleep' and 'Migrane'. The songs are brilliant and I connect to them so completely - which doesn't happen often.

I have also recently watched three Bollywood movies: 'Student Of The Year' 'Dostana' and 'Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania'. I loved all of them.

School has begun again, and that is keeping me busy.
So are the two shows I'm in right now, the "Footloose" shadowcast, and "Sweeney Todd: the demon Barber of Fleet Street"! I'm in the ensemble for both, and it's a lot of work.

Also! I have an announcement to make! I have started up another blog! The Adventures of Luna Aquafall! It is blog for a fictional persona of mine named (you guessed it!) Luna Aquafall. She is a soon-to-be time-and-space traveler/explorer. And the blog is her way of documenting the adventures. So go check it out!

May Art Take You Over

Here I sit, listening to Beethoven, sketching anatomical hearts and lungs, pondering over the anime "Your lie in April", and creating thoughts that - at the moment - feel like they could one day become famous quotes.


So I decided to make use of this moment, in more than just enjoying it. I want to share it.


In this moment, I am at peace...
... It's something I haven't felt in quite a while.

In order to put out art, one must intake art...
... You can only move if your vehicle is properly fueled.

And you need a reason to create...
... Whether it be a person, place, thing, or idea.

Some art is to lose yourself in...
... Some is meant for finding yourself...
    ... And some is for finding others...

Some forms of art are there for when you need to whisper, scream, or shout, without so much as a word. And others are there to paint a soul with sound, be it with words or just instrumentation.

Go see art. Go listen to art. Dance it. Feel it. Smell it. Taste it. Love it. Hate it. Buy it. Sell it. Move it. Make it. Live it. Let it fully encompass you. Allow it to embrace you. Let art swell into every crack in your heart, mind, and soul. Let it hurt. Let it fill you with joy. May it make you laugh, make you scream, make you smile, and make you cry. May it move you to feel every emotion. Let it move your body.

May art take you over.

I love ya tomorrow...

Annie. The story of a little red-headed orphan that stole the hearts of Oliver Warbucks, Grace Farrell, and many others. A fun and heartwarming story. And I'm glad to say that I've been a player in the WCT production of Annie Jr.
It has been a journey and I've loved every step of it - even with the large amounts of stress I was under when we started, because I was also in two other shows. Now this chapter is closing... tonight's performance will be the last on the WCT stage. We will be taking one performance to Temple on the 20th, but largely, this is it. I have gotten to work alongside people that mean a lot to me, in a place that means a lot to me, doing something that means a lot to me. And really... I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Emotionally, I frequently struggle with stuff, but the thought of going to the theatre and doing a performance with my people, gets me through a lot of the rough terrain. I don't know what I'll do without it.

I'll miss everything about it.

• The quick changes 
• The backstage dancing 
• The feeling at the start of a performance
• And the feeling at the end
• The jokes exchanged
• The reactions of a good audience
• The excitement in my friends eyes 
• The whole cast
• Trying to remember good posture 
• Moments where you nearly break character but you prevail 
• Telling one another to 'break a leg'
• The costumes 
• Moments when you feel really good about how you gave a certain line
• The set 
• The crew and techies
• The production team
• Greeting the crowd
• The moments when the cast gets to know each other better
• The times when everyone can just goof off
• The occasional pre-show dance party
• Even the fact that this show's trend is: half the boys trying to flip water bottles and land them right side up
• Cheering during curtain call
• Acknowledging the techies
• Little girls asking for pictures
• The times of perfection
• Knowing that everyone beside you, gave their all to the show, just like you.

I love this show. 

So tired...

There came a point in my recent past where I was doing so much that I began to worry that I was going to burn out - in the proverbial sense, where we liken ourselves to candles or other flames, that need replenishing if you don't want them to die out - thankfully I don't think I reached that point, however I do believe that I was on the threshold, I feel as though I was very nearly extinguished and only received the nessesary fuel just in the nick of time. But I'm only just now starting to feel better and the fall semester is a mere couple of weeks away. Which means that if I don't want to go out, if I want to keep burning like the proverbial flame that I hypothetically am, I need to take better care of myself. Which is hard for me to do. I don't eat, hydrate, or sleep properly, and I don't exercise outside of theatre, all of which puts me in bad shape. And even though I have said that I'll do less, I'll 'take it easy' almost, I'm not sure if I can stick to that resolution. I have a hard time not doing a show. So I give you all fair warning, I'm going to be a very tired girl again this fall. But probably the worst part of it all... Is that I don't have the motivation to get better. Lack of motivation is my biggest problem, because it's the source of several others... I don't have the motivation to get something to eat if it's not readily available, I don't have the motivation to try and find a better sleep schedule, I don't have enough motivation to get into better health and shape.

 Whew... That's a pretty big chunk of words...

I'm tired. Very tired.

In other news, Annie Jr is going really well!!! One weekend down, one to go! I'm going to miss it when it's over. Meaning I'm mostly going to miss the people. But I do enjoy the show a lot, so I'm definitely going to miss it too! Yes, I do still enjoy the show! A lot of theatre friends don't like it very much, because "You can only hear Hard Knock Life so many times before you get sick of it all." But I'm not tired of any of it! I'm going to miss the story, the characters, the actors I'm bringing this to life with, the backstage dancing, the stress of the quick changes... I love doing it all and being a part of it all.

See you later!
~ Kayla Rose, the Smithy.

So Many Things

My apologies for the sudden hiatus. So many things have happened since my last post (which was over a month ago... ... ...).

In the Theatre Realm:

The Moulin Rouge shadow-cast is long over - it was a ton of fun; our production of Beauty and the Beast opened and in it's due course closed (the run ended on Sunday; and was also a lot of fun); and Annie Jr.'s first performance is today! And on Monday I also auditioned for the next shadow-cast production, which will be Footloose, and was cast.

It has been exhausting and exhilarating, but I managed to survive, and I'm going to keep on doing it. I plan on doing slightly less theatre for the next year, but we'll see how long that resolve lasts.

In the Writing Realm:
I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo, and for the first time succeeded in reaching my word count! With my story "The Silver Platter Of Reading" which takes place in a parallel universe where magic abides and the most magical things are stories, making libraries the most magical places. Five teens: Nyle, Birch, Peri, Amara, and Quincy, form the book club dubbed the Silver Platter Of Reading Club. But they do much more than just read and discuss; as proficient magic users, and top-notch brains, they help clients solve their magical problems, and go on quests for those who can't or won't do it for themselves.

It felt wonderful it accomplish the word goal, even though the story is far from finished. And I'm very pleased with the work I got done. Tell me in the comments what comes to mind when you hear those five names!


I'll try not to go a month before my next post!


~ The "Smithy," Kayla Rose

My Insanity

I am insane.

Now I suppose that that statement may require some explanation. And really there are several reasons why I claim insanity. But the one currently on my mind is this:

I am in three shows at once. 

... which I did last year and vowed never to do again. But here we are and I'm doing it.
Why am I doing something so insane as being in three productions at once?
Well.
Because I just couldn't say no to any of them!
I am in Beauty and the Beast; and shadowcast production of Moulin Rouge; and Annie jr.
Which are all things that I wanted to be a part of, so I auditioned for all and was cast in all.

So yes. I'm insane.

Fare ye well! 

Don't be like me. Unless you really want to. In which case, by all means! Do as you wish.

Five Fact Friday

1 - This year the there was a full moon on the summer solstice.
2 - The first word in Louisa May Alcott's Little Women is "Christmas."
3 - The last word in Little Women is "this."
4 - I watched the Tony Awards this year
5 - I have the tail of a airplane in my closet. It was a prop in a play I worked.

Five Fact Friday

1 - INFPs tend to be self-contradictory by nature, meaning that they are frequently - personality and taste wise - inconsistent.
2 - I have read only one book on my 2016 "to read" list.
3 - However, I have read lots of other things.
4 - Fortune cookies often don't give a fortune... just advice.
5 - The name Oliana is Polynesian and means "oleander."

Five Fact Friday

It's back! Maybe.

1 - I have two posters on my wall
2 - Tiana is the Disney character for the month of June, in my calendar.
3 - Eye balls have layers, like onions.
4 - Shakespeare may be classic, but he wasn't classy
5 - Trilbies and Fedoras are NOT THE SAME THING. Do your research.

"Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination!"

If you are a regular - or irregular - reader of this blog then you may have noticed that the look has changed somewhat. I changed it a few days ago actually, but since I had already posted that day I decided to wait to say anything.

If you did notice, I applaud you.

If you did not... then maybe you are a first timer here! In which case, WELCOME!!! Was that too loud? ...Welcome... Not loud enough? Well you are a picky person... Welcome! Better? Thank you.

Also this is the 51st post on this blog! *whoot whoot* The new look is kinda in celebration of that.

To make up for not having anything else to say... here's a picture of a cat... and a snowy tree lined path... and Toothless... and a night sky!

Title is a line from the opening song "Pure Imagination" from Willy Wonka jr.

Goodbye to Bonavista

"So goodbye to Bonavista, your mountains and your shores, goodbye to sad relations that I'll never see no more, for i'm bound to seek my fortune and sail the whole world wide, and if ever we shall meet again it'll be on the other side, on the other side.."

That is the chorus of a delightful ballad called Goodbye to Bonavista.

I love ballads. And sea shanties too. The love of adventure is laced into the words. And the music makes me want to dance. And it makes me long for adventure, to hop onto a ship and sail the world to seek my fortune, to find new lands; or to saddle my horse and ride the praries; or to fight a fight worth fighting. With these songs I can "Rise And Follow Charile" or find "St Brendan's Fair Isle" or march beside "The Minstrel Boy" or give "A Hundred Thousand Welcomes" for the visitors of Nova Scotia, or see "The Sultana" sail again.

I feel peaceful when listening to them. And yet I also want to jump up and shout and holler for adventure, say farewell to my loved ones to go off into the great unknown.

the Comedy of Errors: a summary

Just for fun! (it's 5:30 AM btw)

Comedy Of Errors: A summary

Duke: Sry dude but you have to die.

Aegeon: But my tragic backstory! Involving two sets of twins!

Duke: Oh the feels! I'll let you live one more day.

Adriana: You're my husband.

Antipholus of Syracuse: No I'm not.

Dromio of Syracuse: Since when do I have a wife? And she's like a globe!

Antipholus of Ephesus: Open the doors, I'm hungry.

Household: Hi hungry. We won't let you in.

Antipholus of Ephesus: Fine! I'll just go spend the day with a Courtezan.

Luciana: Help! My sister, Adriana's, husband is in love with me!

Antipholus of Syracuse: I'm not her husband!

Merchant and Goldsmith: Where's my money?

Everyone: What the heck is happening?!

Courtezan, Pinch, Officer and Servants: Hi there.

Everyone: What the heck is happening?!

Aemelia: Two sets of twins, remember? Also I'm Aegeon's wife, and the mother of the Antipholi.

Everyone: Oh yeah! Awesome.

Adriana: Which one of you is my husband?

Antipholus of Ephesus: Me!

Antipholus of Syracuse: Now can I marry Luciana?

Luciana: Okay.

the Dromios: Wow! We're identical!

*Bows*

"Why, how now, Dromio! Where runn'st thou so fast?"

Hey Everyone.

I really need to get better at regular posting...

SO! How have you been?

I have been very busy. Hence the silence on my blog. So what has been happening? I had finals - I got an A in both classes! And Sister Act opened - we have only four performances left! I've already started on another production - Comedy Of Errors - though this one is not with WCT.

And I had homeschool prom yesterday - which was delightful.

Oh, and I somehow my Sacroiliac joint out of whack - which was very painful.

For those of you who don't know - I didn't - it is a joint in the lowback/hip area. In the words of Wikipedia: one of the SI joints' function is shock absorption (depending on the amount of available motion at the sacroiliac joint) for the spine, along with the job of torque conversion allowing the transverse rotations that take place in the lower extremity to be transmitted up the spine.

And because of that injury I was forced to "take it easy" during last weekend's performances. Which, for me, is really hard. I don't like holding still, or not pulling my own weight, so having other people do what I was originally told to do was mentally painful for me. However my cast-mates were all being caring and lovely, and making me take care not to make my injury worse. And I'm really grateful for them doing so, but still, there were many moments that I wished that they cared less, because I was going crazy. So I wrote the following piece in response to the situation.

__

A curse upon this injury!

I in future shall take better care of myself

If only to avoid this tender care from my companions

In truth, at the first, I basked in the affections that were shown me

And reveled in the laziness I was allowed

But as the days went on, the resting was no longer a joy

And indeed itself became like unto working.

__

So yeah. That's what has been happening with me.



The title quote is a random line from Shakespeare's The Comedy Of Errors.