Actually Good

Hey everyone,

For the last week or so I have been experiencing something that is a bit of a phenomenon in my life... Feeling, good; actually good. I'm happy and for the first time in a long time I'm not just content to live, I want to live.

It's incredible, and I can hardly believe it. I had long ago begun to doubt that I would ever feel this way again, much less, feel it consistently for over a week.

I'm not suddenly an optimist, or thinking that I'm "fixed" or "healed" I simply can smile instead of cry as I fall asleep, and I can go to class with less dread weighing me down.

I have hope for the future. And I want to see life happen.

Dear Self (#3)

[this series was in part inspired by the musical Dear Evan Hansen, at the end of which Evan writes: "Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why. Because today at least you're you, and that's enough." it's a beautiful show with a beautiful message that I try to take to heart every day]

Dear Self,

Today is looking like it will be a good day, and here's why:
You went to sleep last night, and let Indy stay with you - it's not often that you've been able to get one of the cats to snuggle - all night long. Waking with her curled up on my legs was a welcome start to the day.
You'll be going dancing later! I know how much you/I love that. So don't forget to get ready.
You've been doing very well the past few days, and I'm proud of you. Please keep up the good work.
You have plans to work on the art homework, but don't stress too much over it, you've got this.

Respectfully,
            Yourself

Dear Self (#2)

[this is a series that I am making to remind myself of the good things in life, and to tell myself that I have value even when I can't see it. I hope that you can also take comfort from it.] 

Dear Self,

Today has been good and will most likely continue as such. You allowed yourself to show passion for something that is often undervalued - that is more admirable than you realize; and through talking of your passion, you were shown talents and skills that you have learned and are still mastering, but that are not easy, and are well worth valuing in yourself. Don't lose the flame of passion, don't let others succeed in attempts to snuff it out, and remember that as a flame needs oxygen so does love and passion, bear it proudly, don't hide it away in the caverns of yourself that were carved by trauma and sorrow, for nothing good can flourish there forever. That passion will warm you when you are cold and feed you when you are hungry, it will burn away the cages that you find yourself in. Trust it, care for it, and let it see the world.
But also, passion isn't the only thing that gives you value. I know it's hard to see, but you are loved and you are helpful and you are worthy of the affection you so earnestly yearn for. You are and will give back to the world, and when the time is right every one - even you/I - will see that.

With wholehearted sincerity,
                                      Yourself

Dear Self (#1)

Dear Self,
Today was a good day and here’s why:

You didn't have a panic attack.
You didn't have a bad depressive episode.
The weather was pleasant, and comfortable.
You and your scene partner did well in Acting class.
You spent some time with a good friend.
You did well in Drawing, and were given praise for it.
You had good interactions with people.
You were open about yourself.
You ate meals.
And you did well in remembering that these things matter to you and therefore they matter.
~ Fondly For The Possibly First Time, Your Self

Floating Away

I’ve spent a lot of time recently, feeling like I’m barely holding myself together. I feel as though my mind is trying to float away from my body, leaving it with only the basic functions. And then while I’m in that helpless state, people need to ask me questions, and I have to complete tasks… but because I’m not all there, I feel that I’m rather inadequate.  

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To Read And Relate

"It's so weird, to know you're crazy and not be able to do anything about it, you know? It's not like you believe yourself to be normal. You know there is a problem. But you can't figure a way through to fixing it." ~ Turtles All The Way Down 

Words are powerful. Language is incredible.

We have it so that we can communicate with one another, and we can share thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And sometimes, when you share, someone else will hear/read and in so doing they discover something in common. And as mostly social creatures, humans like to find the 'shared' the 'commonalities' and the 'same here-s'. We don't like to feel alone.

I feel alone more often than not. And that can get very difficult to deal with. So when I find something - real or fiction - that I can relate to, I get flooded with feelings of gratitude; knowing someone understands. And right now, I relate to the main character Aza from John Green's latest book "Turtles All The Way Down"

I'm still reading the book, I haven't reached the ending, but so far, the book is amazing in how much of me I found in Aza. Her struggles are much like mine, and her thoughts are ones I've had. I relate to her so much that it hurts. And to be honest, I've been slow in reading it, because sometimes the panic she feels reaches me and I can't keep reading. But that's okay. It means that I'm not alone. And I am extremely grateful to John Green. "Turtles" is a book that has become very special to me, and I think it always will be.

I highly recommend it to anyone with mental health issues, because it's helping me, and I hope it would help you too.

Feel Numb

If you fight to live with depression, you know how it is. Hours, days, or weeks when you don't feel, or everything is so numb that you just don't register emotions.
It's difficult to carry on on days like that. But for me, I force myself to keep going anyway, because of my anxiety telling me that if I don't, I'll be letting everyone down.

Numbdays are a sludge to move through, and that's how I feel right now actually. I can hardly type this, because my mind isn't processing sentences quickly enough, and i'm forgetting how to spell. And I don't have the drive to say anything, or to work, or do anything at all. It's like being a mold for a concrete made of boredom. I just sit frozen, staring off into space, the only movement is my breathing and an occasional twitch in my neck or knee. My hands feel too heavy to lift, and if my mind is working at all then it's a prisoner screaming at the guard. Days like this, I don't even eat or drink. My stomach could be rumbling loud enough for everyone to hear, but it doesn't move me. The ringing in my ears will climb higher and higher in volume, but I won't turn on music to drown it out.

I just sit, in pain and apathy.

I honestly don't know how I'm managing to write at all right now. it's more than I usually am capable of.

I've been browsing Netflix for something but selecting nothing, looking up comics I used to read but ignoring them as soon as they are found, looking through the games I have but not feeling able to rise to the challenge that I've always craved.

I close my eyes for a moment and already cannot open them again. I feel my head slump forward so slowly that a snail would be bored, until my chin hits my chest. I'm uncomfortable but can't shake myself back into the world of the living.

What Makes You Passionate

Do you ever just get excited over something? The kind of excited where you can't be quiet and you want to jump up and down and wave your arms and scream incoherently? If so, good! That's awesome!
Is it something crazy? Popular? Everyday? Unusual? Silly?

Well today I'm going to mention something that makes me crazy enthusiastic

CHAIRS.

when used in theatre or dance, chairs can be surprisingly powerful and versatile

from the angle at which they sit, to the way you sit on them,

whether it's one solitary chair, or a whole lot of them

if they match or not, what color(s) they are, do they have cushions, are they covered

wood, metal, plastic

if they are in a line, or a circle

if they are even upright, if they are hung from the ceiling, or have a broken leg

each thing has a different feel, a different atmosphere, or vibe

you can move them around, stand on them, hold them over your head, trip on them, jump over them

stack them, break them, fold them, spin them, 

there are so many ways to use a chair. and that excites me a lot.

They are used in Hamilton, and Come From Away, and they way they are used is beautiful

Four years ago, I never would have guessed that I'd be PASSIONATE about chairs. But here I am. And I'm never going back. 

Things I'm Grateful For

Don't get worked up, I know that Thanksgiving has passed already! ;)

But the thing is, Thanksgiving has always been a bit weird for me. Most people take the day to focus on being grateful of things they take for granted... but growing up poor, abused, and isolated, gives you a higher appreciation for everything good, and you don't tend to take things for granted. So... I've always kinda thought that it was weird for people to spend ONE DAY a year being ultra grateful.

But! That being said, I do sometimes just want to list some things that are good in my life. And here it is:

British accents - all of them (I find them calming and/or moodlifting)

Theatre

Musicals

Costumes (I think it's really cool that it's acceptable to dress up as almost anything)

Domesticated Cats (seriously. they make life so much better)

Decent Internet Speed

Good Coffee

CATS

Red-heads (so gorgeous) 

Books About Cats

Freckles (I love freckled faces!)

Art In All It's Glorious Forms

Books That Feature Cats

Friends That Let Me Borrow Their Book That Features Cats (thx Margaret!) 

Good SciFi

Little Siblings That Love To Give Hugs

A Math Teacher That Cares About Her Students' Mental Health

Chocolate

The Moments When Your Cat Chooses To Curl Up At Your Feet While You're Drinking Good Coffee And Writing A Blog Post Thanks To Good Internet

Thanks for stopping by! I'm hoping to post more often again. But we'll see. 

The Best/Worst Part Of Being Human

You know the best/worst thing that exists in a human? Emotions. Pure and simple. Scratch that, there's nothing simple and very rarely pure about them...

But I'm more specifically talking about empathy - the ability to feel what someone else is feeling - and caring - when someone else's experiences have an emotional impact on you even though they may not have any "practical" effect. These are what may be affected when you watch a movie or read a book. For instance, if you cried at key moments of 'The Lion King', 'Old Yeller', 'The Fox and the Hound', or 'Big Hero 6'.

Me... I cry a lot. I cry a lot more when it comes to fictional worlds, than my own. But why is that? Why is it that almost every episode of 'Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D', or nearly any song from 'Hamilton' or 'Dear Evan Hansen' will cause tears, but I struggle to consistently feel real emotion when it comes to big events in my own life? 

Although, if I'm depressed enough, it will keep me from feeling anything for the characters that I love.

Being human is such a mixed bag.

Yes we have emotions! 

But...

We have, emotions. 

And sometimes... a lot of times... I hate that about us...

But other times... I get high off of them. Joy... and pain. And as many addictions go... I don't want to give it up. 

But here's the catch: I'm only addicted to pain, if it's someone else's. I will soak up the hurt of anyone I care about, real or fictional, until I am literally overflowing. And I will keep coming back for more, even though I physically ache, my face is stained with the salty tears, my nose is dripping, and my eyes sting. Even though I cannot suffer it quietly, and often bury my face in a pillow to muffle the cries. I will always come back to partake in whatever emotions they have. 

However... if it's my own pain... I will avoid it, hide from it, mask it... anything that I can to forget about it - and it's become so normal that I feel wrong if it's not there in the shadows - or I will allow a part of myself to take over... a part that I don't like showing to people... a piece that doesn't have emotions... unless curiosity counts. And I only let him have control when I am in so much pain that I can no longer function. Because when that's the case, I am always alone. If I let him out when I'm with others... then I don't really know what he'd I'd do. He's manipulative... a man of science and learning... with a much smaller conscience, and a much better poker face. But enough about him. 

When I get invested in something or someone... I tend to do so wholeheartedly. And that makes it hard sometimes... because I get stretched thin. Between this life, and the fictional worlds that I love, I have a hell of a lot to care about, and it gets to be too much every once in a while, but I don't mind.

In conclusion.

Don't make a super intelligent A.I. that will eventually become envious of human's ability to feel.